New Makes for Clean Laundry

So the past couple of days have been kind of interesting for me. I've been thinking about my year so far, and I have realized that a lot of older men have expressed interest in me and I'm a little taken back by it. I'm not saying it is a bad thing but it catches me off guard. I like older men but I question whether or not a man who is 15 years my senior is a good fit for me. I think so. I just met this man who I'm really taken with and I'm unsure why. When I first met him I didn't even feel him in that way but the way he engaged me caught me off guard. It intrigued me, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive but I didn't notice his attractiveness at first. He just seemed like a nice guy to talk to and not to mention he was very observant. I like when a man is observant. He classified me as a person who likes form and function, in which, I never thought of myself like that but it does make sense. It makes me wonder if he is the right form and function for me. Now, I don't know him nor does he know me but he makes me feel like a high school girl every time I talk to him or think about him. I probably shouldn't put that in writing but eh. I mean, I get extra giddy and smiley, and I don't know how to handle it. We haven't even been on a date yet and I'm not even sure one will happen, though I hope it does. I also met another guy last night who told me he liked my swag and the way I carried myself. He also said, I was dressed like a woman is supposed to be dressed and that because of my demeanor I attracted quality men. I chuckled. It was cute though the use of the word swag is played out. I appreciated him saying those things because recently I've been having issues with the way I look. I know that I am an attractive person but sometimes, which has been a lot recently, I feel unattractive when I'm out. I'm not really one to be extremely girly and I feel like guys just kind of look past me. There were girls last night dressed in flattering clothing and heels with guys all around and it bothered me a bit. It made me feel unattractive because I had on a turtleneck sweater and jeans. I'm not looking for anyone to constantly tell me that I'm beautiful, I've heard that plenty of times and sometimes those words mean nothing when coming out of some peoples mouths but I digress. I'm not looking for people to comment and say I'm attractive, I know that already. I want someone to show me because words can only go so far but actions speak louder, much louder. I also learned a long time ago that the way you dress does not necessarily have a direct correlation to men being attracted to you. Most females feel the need to dress slutty in order to feel sexy but sexy is not in the way you dress but in the way you carry yourself. Years ago I learned that when I went out in a black sweater and white pants with boots. I literally had almost every inch of my body covered and I got complimented more that night than any other night I had been out. Ever since that night, seeing me in something short or uber revealing does not happen that often. I guess I've grown a lot as a person, a lot more than I realized. For instance, my friends and I have recently been talking about dating people and relationships and we have all agreed upon one thing, everybody has a problem or problems and it has to be decided whether or not we want to deal with that problem. I'm going to go ahead and put my problems out there. For one, I have trust issues but I'm getting better with that. I'm also a jealous person but that comes and goes and usually I'll hide that ish before I say anything about it, which is not good but eh, I'm working on it. I probably have some other ones but those are the big ones. I've also learned to say what it is that I want, well I've actually always done that especially when it comes to males. Time is too short to be afraid to tell a guy that you like him. Too many people are afraid of rejection but at some point it is going to happen so why not embrace it and kick rejections ass. Sometimes I have a tendency to be a little forward when it comes to matters of the heart but that's because I get excited about the prospect of intimacy. And by intimacy, I mean on more than a physical level but an mental and emotional level. Either way, I'm pretty happy with where things are progressing in my life. In a few weeks, I hope to have good news about a certain someone who has recently entered my life and I'm working on loving me no matter what.

True Love Never Washes Away

So I receive emails from Hugh McLeod who does gapingvoid and the artwork of the day is a heart with the words we made it! He proceeds to explain about the difference between romantic love and true love and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve being living my life okay with romantic love and wanting that, but true love is what I need. I’ve experienced true love once before where you just wake up one day and realize I’m in love with my best friend. That feeling still persist to this day but the guy and me are no longer together. Will we end up together, maybe. I’m more of the school of whatever happens,happens.
Since we are on the topic of love, I’m finally going through the break up for real this time. The guy I’ve been dating off and on for the past 5 years is finally going to be out of my life. Am I sad about it? Extremely, especially because I’m letting him keep the cats but it is time for both of us to move on. We’ve been fighting and trying and it just hasn’t worked. I’ve cheated on him multiple times and do I feel bad about that, of course but do I regret it, no. I’m not defined by my past actions and some people may hate me for the things that I have done to them but as my mother said, “It is what it is.” Is that insensitive of me? Possibly but I know some of the decisions I have made in life have not been the best but I have no reason to dwell on them or regret. What good would that do since I can’t replay those events? I’ve had my share of the karmic cycle coming to play games with my emotions because of these actions so trust I recognize real. Despite all of these things I still get excited about love and what it can bring.

Same ole laundry

A lot has happened the past couple of months and I can't help being thankful that it is a new year. Last year ended on a eh note. My ex and I have been in this complicated relationship situation where I want to be single but we still act like we are together. Time and time again we have rehashed the same issues and had the same conversation without anything changing so I made the decision to move on but he didn't. So, us still being around each other all the time was not and is not healthy. Tonight that all came to a head. He decided I could not be in his life at all if he was to be over me which totally makes sense but he can't be without me. He doesn't want to leave when I need him and I'm thankful for that but I don't want him to be miserable because of me, which is the case. I've hurt him a lot in the past by the decisions I have made, bad decisions as he calls them, but I don't see them that way. He figures guys just use me until something better comes along. I don't think that because hell I used them. I've only fallen in love with one of them and trust I know that was a mistake but I don't regret it. I welcome mistakes and failures because it helps me know what I need and don't need. If you are not good for me believe you will not be in my life. 2011 is the year of greatness for many people myself included. I am fresh out of time for foolish behavior. The truth prevails on all occasions so keep it real and always come correct. Forgot about that scary stuff and just do you. No more excuses for bad behavior and bad people. I could keep listing but you already know what it is. Being a better person comes in due time and there is no time like the present.

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen part deux

The picture that is supposed to go along with this post is here: http://picasaweb.google.com/eclecticmusicmag

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen

This will be one of the most upbeat and uplifting blogs you will see me write. My day started off a little rough and I was a mix of emotions. At times I felt like an emotional wreck but then there were those moments I felt fine. Either way the day was just a mess. I ended up at Loyola around 4:30 sitting outside in smokers alley and it was the perfect atmosphere to write and get things down on paper. I proceed to start working on this idea, when all of a sudden the wind starts blowing just right and the sun was the right temperature on my face. I suddenly look off into the distance and see what seems like part of a rainbow but it couldn't be I say. I was wrong. I focus my eyes and follow the colors and see the faintest hint of a rainbow in an arch over the sun. I can't believe how beautiful it is and it touches me. We all have a tendency to have a fascination with rainbows but this felt like God was smiling at me, letting me know that everything will be okay. I couldn't help but smile and then chuckle to myself. I've been so wrapped up in how much love hurts and how I could never give my love to another person but this moment changes all of that. God was saying to me that you are worth it even if he thinks you are not. I have someone who does think I'm worth and always has. How could I even look anywhere else? I had to be reminded by a miracle in my eyes. Miracle in the sense that this rainbow was there for only a minute or two and I was the only one who noticed it. I captured it in my thoughts, in my words, in a picture to share with the rest of you. Believe in miracles and expect them to happen. Expect the unexpected. All those things people tell you to do, the universe reminds you in some way everyday. You just have to be willing to take notice and embrace it and it can take you to places you never expected. Am I still angry about him? You damn straight but not because of being in love. Am I still lost a little? Of course but you have to be lost to find exactly what you need. There is a reason why September is my favorite month, even though it brings with it hell, it reminds me of things I've lost sight of. Such as how important friendships are and how love hurts. How people will disappoint the hell out of you but at the same time surprise you. I've said that my life is making its way to perfection and I mean every word. My life has had its ups and downs but this year has brought me closer to my goals than ever before. So I don't mind the pain and hurt because it causes for the smallest things to bring you right back where you need to be.

Is this dirty or clean?

I feel weird in the sense that I'm over it but I'm not. Over you because I have to be, need to be. Over you because it is about time to be but I miss you as my friend and just want that back but then I think too much and fall back. Love has me twisted and I can't get straight. Thinking when you say I love you it means you are in love because yeah we are or rather we once were. But now you are acting funny and playing games which can only mean one of two things. Really it can only mean one thing that you just aren't that into me and you never were. Going along with things because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of writing about this and thinking about this. I know y'all are tired of reading about this, so I'm trying to make this it. The last time I mention it. I'm not even hurt anymore just sad that I don't have my friend. I'm tired and can't keep rehashing this is the end or the beginning of something new. Hopefully it is not the last time I talk to you.

Can laundry be leftover?

September is my favorite month because it is that month of change. These first three days have been out of control though but I realized it is just residual energy from August. I can't get down about things that I know have a positive ending. Yeah maybe he has to go see about a girl but you know what he can. Hell I can go see about a boy. Surprisingly I am not mad just hurt because we can't talk about stuff. That's the point of being friends right is to tell each other stuff but my whole problem with that is the fact that he wants me to be there. To be with him and Roux but I can't have an answer to a simple question. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that I'm questioning the things he has already told me time and time again. Either way I can never leave him alone as much as I want to and I don't believe he wants me to leave him alone. I might for a little while though to see if I can handle it but I doubt it. At the end of the day I am happy and can't let these three days affect the outcome of September and plus I have a trip to New York to plan.

Shit just got dirty

At the end of the day I'm the best you ever had. I fuck you so good and hell my head game is beyond tight. You miss this softness in between your dick. You love it when I ride you like a pogo stick. I already know what this is and hell if you were a damn freak in the bed we would already spell marriage because it's my face you see when you fucking in these streets and no one will ever come close to what I can do. Let me know, is she worth it to you?

One more damn piece of laundry

Silence is golden they say but in this instance it cuts like a knife. Harder to say what is real and hurt my feelings the right way instead of leading me down a road that I don't want to be on. My mind is replaying conversations where it seemed the love was real where we were together but not. Played myself again. Backed myself into a corner. Slowly, quietly I mourn for something I never really got. This isn't about you but about me. I am in pain because I let you get to me. I should of trusted how I felt ignored your advances and been by myself. Now, I'm stuck in love with you wanting it to be no more. To be as cold and heartless as you are. Who am I kidding? I'm just mad as hell but I know karma is putting me in jail.

CRM laundry

I've come a long way to go back to this now. I've been through this before but it seems harder this time around. Maybe its because deep down I know you feel like I do but you just have a better way of hiding it. I used to be like that but when it comes to you all that goes out the window. I feel lost in your embrace, your eyes, you lost in my legs and my thighs. We are intertwined more than we thought. Closer together in our souls than ever expected. Maybe I'm just kidding myself and seeing things and feeling feelings that aren't really there. Our relationship has never been defined. We have never had that dialogue that is needed to keep this from happening. Now I'm lost in this world wondering if what I'm feeling is right and if at the end of the night it's me that you think of, holding me tight. Tell me for once am I the one? You told me before that I was worth it but I think you forgot. Come back to me and remember so I will always have you no matter the reason or season. I know this is getting old but I have to get it out because I can't tell you how I really feel until I know that what you told me once is real. You fear the unknown and what we are. You fear knowing that you have my heart a lot deeper and stronger than I have yours or maybe it's my fear that is holding you back. Ugh, I'm done rehashing all these old thoughts and facts. Fuck it you love me you told me that. So what's so hard about everything else? Forget the distance, forget the pain, forget the calls, forget the texts all you need to do is remember everything else. That feeling you felt when we were together. How we seemed to melt when around each other. You've always been bad at expressing your feelings but this time you need to let me know so I can finally be with you or let you go.

Spinning Spinning Out of Control

I'm spinning out of control not sure how to regain what I've lost. Every time I'm okay something makes me feel lost. Things never go according to plan but you know I wouldn't want it any other way. My life has been nothing but unplanned incidences. My love for the one who doesn't want me but leads me on because he can. To the one who was mine but not anymore makes me feel like I've lost the only person who ever truly loved me. To feeling so close yet so far away from those things that mean the most to me. I'm just having a down kind of day. Maybe it's the rain or maybe it's my pain or maybe I'm just complaining for no reason. Honestly I know my heart and my place but just need to clear out this depressing crap in my mental space.

Spin Cycle

Is it bad for me to still want you and yearn for you? to still see a future burning bright together? People saying we are meant to be together. I thought this would be easy but things never are. I want you and I have to pretend that I don't. To act like I'm fine with us being what we are. Maybe it's okay for you or maybe you feel my hurt but you know what? That's a joke. You don't and won't ever get how I feel. Can never understand that what I'm feeling is deeper than real. My thoughts and movements are synchronized steps just to help me fake what's real and to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly know. To stop feeling that everything we had was fake that it was more of let them eat cake. Maybe I just need to stop overthinking. Get over you and over this feeling. Hell, I need to get back to just living and doing what I do best. Running from everything because it is too scary to face. Or maybe I need you to help me run my last race?

Let it burn

The answers that I searched so long to hear have been said but still doubts are playing in my head. Was the love ever there or you just liked the sound of the words forever? We can still be friends and have fun but if that was what you wanted why not say it from the beginning? You played me and now I'm still in limbo. Wanting you but needing something else or maybe you are exactly what I need. You feed my soul and make my heart bleed. Rip my tongue out and shove it down your throat. We fuck so hard it burns like gas to a flame. Everything about you hurts, causes pain but I want to feel that feeling again and again. It makes me feel alive but weak makes me know I need you here to keep this heart beat.

Old laundry, new laundry; always the same.

Sometimes I can be a little needy well more than a little. I'm a little high maintenance and a little bit of a pain. I nag too much and have a tendency to complain but if you can deal with all that then I know that I've found my man. Maybe I'm a little bit crazy and overemotional but I do it not because I want to. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I lose you but it's just me pushing you away because I'm afraid of commitment. Can't stand the idea of being with someone for so long but then I fall in love and want to stay that way forever. However, the pain comes back because he didn't understand or wouldn't or couldn't. He just didn't get me didn't want to see past all those imperfections and love me imperfectly. I blame myself when really it's not about me. It has nor will it ever be about my happiness, no it should be about our happiness. When together we can take on the world and hell we did it but it was only for a moment, a quick fleeting minute. You ran and never looked back. Never wanted me to keep up or keep track. Instead you left me behind wondering where you went and I'm wondering still will you ever look back, try and come and get me to lead me with you instead of leaving me in the distance. Come back to me just for a second so I can see what it feels like to leave you cold and broken and used. To say I love you and make you look like a fool. To run away without giving any answers and leaving you bruised and asking why? Will that make anything right? No, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better. To make you understand what it means to have a broken heart and wonder if you can ever be okay to love again completely without feeling like running away. To love so deeply that you feel their soul. To understand that it isn't about two separate beings but us as one. To understand the true meaning of what it means to be in love.

Can laundry get any cleaner?

You make me feel brand new and make me want to be a better person. I've never felt that before and I can honestly say that I want and need this feeling all the time. I've never been more focused or my mind more clear. Ever since you came into my life all the things I thought I couldn't do I feel the strength, the need, the urge to do it all. That's why I love you. Where have you been all this time to encourage me to do what I love because I see you doing what you love? The focus and determination in my man is breathtaking and awe inspiring. We are just getting started but our future burns brighter together because we grow,learn,and yearn together. He has made the clutter of the past fade like the scars of old. He cleanses my being and reinvigorates me soul. Now I'm a new woman. Can you say the same? Have you found that man who makes everything seem like a beautiful day after the storm has passed? Make the pain melt away forever, no longer looking into that hourglass but wanting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years to past so slowly so you can take it all in, to never feel like this moment can end because it is always the start of forever when you are with him.

New laundry or is it old laundry dressed up?

I feel a sense of longing I have not felt in awhile. I am in love it seems like for the first time. Everything about him makes me smile and melt. Infatuated? Probably but I don't care because it is him that I want. Though I want him there are some old feelings floating around from the past. He reminds me why we should be together but I know in my heart I can't. I feel confused and unsure. So full of anxiety that sleep does not come to me but instead tossing and turning from one heart to the other. Am I in love with two? No. I love only one but I'm scared of what that will bring me. Can I really be happy with someone completely? I know I love him at his worst cause I've seen it, lived it, and every time I wanted to walk away I could never leave him alone because I know I wouldn't want someone to leave me alone at my worst. He is everything to me or at least that's how I feel. I pray about it to find the right answer. Stay with the one who has been there through the years. Who knows every part of me and gets me or should I go with the one where we grow together as one. We learn each other at the same time and love each other more everyday because being without each other we can't breathe. We encourage each other to do what we love and the sex is mind blowing every time. He is my drug, my everlasting high but I wonder does he really feel this way about me? Where is the proof? The proof is in how he holds me, how he loves me when I have a bad day, and how he does what he can to make everything alright but wait, am I talking about him or him, his heart or his heart? Where it ends and where it starts is the hard part. I've made up my mind or rather my heart has made up its mind but it's his heart that needs to be made up. It longs to touch me, hold me, kiss me, caress me but can it ever have what it really wants?

Old laundry

The lies that are told to keep the status quo are becoming old. I have to find a way to let you go because the pain is becoming too much. The thought of you being with someone else overwhelms me and I am suddenly consumed with fear. You can never leave my side nor can I ever leave yours. We have been intertwined since the day we met and well, I just can't let that go yet but maybe just maybe I should.

New Beginnings

I've been slacking on my blog game but I haven't had that feeling to write nor express myself. I have lost my focus and I need to get it back. I tried to follow the teachings of The Secret but that fell through. I'm trying to get my way back there but it's hard. Feeling disappointed and discouraged doesn't help the situation but I'm trying to be more positive. Also, procrastinating less which has been a difficult but also rewarding experience. The more I do it the less I want to procrastinate. Procrastination is the death of all my brillant ideas. I need to learn execution and I can be very successful. The next blog will focus more on my story ideas and accomplishing all the things I want. Until next time, keep up on your laundry.

It's been a long time coming

But you know change is going to come. I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and especially these last couple of weeks. I feel my heart breaking it seems every day. It seems I'm back to that feeling where you want someone so bad but sadly they don't want you. All you can think of is why? Then you try and make yourself feel better by saying oh it will pass in time, he'll come back to me, he loves me, he can never let me go. But then it really starts to sink in. What if it is really over and there is no going back? There is no way to show how much you have changed and grown as a person? They don't want you and you know it but there is just something that won't let you let it go. You know it's different in every fiber of your being. From the way he never says I love you, well, he does but only after you have said it. He hesitates and those moments when he looks into your eyes and you know he wants to say I love you but something holds him back. Those moments hurt the most, knowing that you can and want to say i love you but you won't. Change is good I know but not at the expense of being this hurt or feeling this alone. I'm happy by myself without a doubt, that is never a question but when you feel a person makes your day that much brighter and better is when you know you need them more than want. I know all these feelings will pass and I will be okay. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but either way I'm yours forever. Maybe not either way. I want you all of you not just part if I can't have that then maybe we are better off just being apart.

This Is Only A Moment

This is only a moment, a fleeting passing moment of many that will happen in our life. I must remember this is only a moment that won't be remembered but forgotten. The moments that we all forgot when another moment seems to take over our thoughts. Remember, it's just another moment. The moment when we looked into each others eyes and found happiness not there a moment before. The moment when we had that fight and hated each other. That moment where we forgot why we weren't talking and started again as though nothing had happened. That moment when you knew these people were your friends for life. The moment when God told you this isn't right. The moment when you had to let it all go to find what you needed and not what you wanted. The moment when everyone took you seriously and believed in what you could do. The moment when you started to believe in yourself and not what other people thought you could do. I can continue to name moments that we have all been through but the point is to remember that this moment will pass. The bad things that happen along with the good make up the rest of your life but it isn't the rest of your life. These moments ease the pain and make you cry but in the end you will feel better at night. Remember these moments but forget them too, because dwelling on moments will make you feel blue. These moments come and go so fast but these moments will never last. In the end, when we look back, most of these moments you won't even be able to recall because these moments are nothing at all.