How much I hate laundry day

Today is the day that I get this off my chest. I can no longer stand to have these feelings inside of me. I long to be able to talk with you and not feel like a fool. I risked everything for you but you felt the need to risk nothing. I was nothing more than a pawn in your love game. I see now how foolish I was. To think, you loved me, well, actually, I know you did just you didn't love me enough or maybe you did but I broke your heart. Now, I have to sit here with the pain in my heart just as you once did. I feel so alone on most days because you are not here beside me. Forgive me for what I have done maybe one day we can right this wrong but now is not the time. I've come to terms with everything but it does not dull the pain. It increases with each day but then subsides. There are days I wish to drown my sorrows in alcohol or with drugs but those days are long past. I never really drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol but only with more pain did the aching in my heart slow to but a slight ache only to be enflamed by your face. Soon enough those days will be gone when the pain no longer reaches me because my heart has turned to stone from all of the times that I've been done wrong or rather chose wrong. I have lost many loves in the past but none as hard as this or rather it's been years since I've felt this pain but no longer can I let you have control of me or my heart. It belongs to another and always has even if I never wanted to admit it to myself or to you. It's been months since we last spoke but I still feel your spirit inside of me longing to be free and reconnect with you so we can again be as one. You wait this long to reconnect, to call my name in longing, to be with me once more but no longer can we be. You have hurt me too many times before and I come back begging for more thinking that you would never hurt me again but I am always fooled. You want me to be what she is not and I used to want you for what he could not be but this can be no longer you see. Things start to fall in line and time starts to unwind and I am back swirling in your arms and head feeling you next to me. Those eyes that only see me in a crowded room. Time begins to loom then everything turns to black no longer feeling the need to look back but look forward to what is my life without. I am forever in your debt for letting me see what I need to be okay with him and love him with all of me instead of just part of me. That part used to be reserved for you but you must realize we never loved each other in whole but only in part because our hearts were never one merely two always drifting apart.