Spinning Spinning Out of Control

I'm spinning out of control not sure how to regain what I've lost. Every time I'm okay something makes me feel lost. Things never go according to plan but you know I wouldn't want it any other way. My life has been nothing but unplanned incidences. My love for the one who doesn't want me but leads me on because he can. To the one who was mine but not anymore makes me feel like I've lost the only person who ever truly loved me. To feeling so close yet so far away from those things that mean the most to me. I'm just having a down kind of day. Maybe it's the rain or maybe it's my pain or maybe I'm just complaining for no reason. Honestly I know my heart and my place but just need to clear out this depressing crap in my mental space.

Spin Cycle

Is it bad for me to still want you and yearn for you? to still see a future burning bright together? People saying we are meant to be together. I thought this would be easy but things never are. I want you and I have to pretend that I don't. To act like I'm fine with us being what we are. Maybe it's okay for you or maybe you feel my hurt but you know what? That's a joke. You don't and won't ever get how I feel. Can never understand that what I'm feeling is deeper than real. My thoughts and movements are synchronized steps just to help me fake what's real and to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly know. To stop feeling that everything we had was fake that it was more of let them eat cake. Maybe I just need to stop overthinking. Get over you and over this feeling. Hell, I need to get back to just living and doing what I do best. Running from everything because it is too scary to face. Or maybe I need you to help me run my last race?

Let it burn

The answers that I searched so long to hear have been said but still doubts are playing in my head. Was the love ever there or you just liked the sound of the words forever? We can still be friends and have fun but if that was what you wanted why not say it from the beginning? You played me and now I'm still in limbo. Wanting you but needing something else or maybe you are exactly what I need. You feed my soul and make my heart bleed. Rip my tongue out and shove it down your throat. We fuck so hard it burns like gas to a flame. Everything about you hurts, causes pain but I want to feel that feeling again and again. It makes me feel alive but weak makes me know I need you here to keep this heart beat.

Old laundry, new laundry; always the same.

Sometimes I can be a little needy well more than a little. I'm a little high maintenance and a little bit of a pain. I nag too much and have a tendency to complain but if you can deal with all that then I know that I've found my man. Maybe I'm a little bit crazy and overemotional but I do it not because I want to. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I lose you but it's just me pushing you away because I'm afraid of commitment. Can't stand the idea of being with someone for so long but then I fall in love and want to stay that way forever. However, the pain comes back because he didn't understand or wouldn't or couldn't. He just didn't get me didn't want to see past all those imperfections and love me imperfectly. I blame myself when really it's not about me. It has nor will it ever be about my happiness, no it should be about our happiness. When together we can take on the world and hell we did it but it was only for a moment, a quick fleeting minute. You ran and never looked back. Never wanted me to keep up or keep track. Instead you left me behind wondering where you went and I'm wondering still will you ever look back, try and come and get me to lead me with you instead of leaving me in the distance. Come back to me just for a second so I can see what it feels like to leave you cold and broken and used. To say I love you and make you look like a fool. To run away without giving any answers and leaving you bruised and asking why? Will that make anything right? No, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better. To make you understand what it means to have a broken heart and wonder if you can ever be okay to love again completely without feeling like running away. To love so deeply that you feel their soul. To understand that it isn't about two separate beings but us as one. To understand the true meaning of what it means to be in love.

Can laundry get any cleaner?

You make me feel brand new and make me want to be a better person. I've never felt that before and I can honestly say that I want and need this feeling all the time. I've never been more focused or my mind more clear. Ever since you came into my life all the things I thought I couldn't do I feel the strength, the need, the urge to do it all. That's why I love you. Where have you been all this time to encourage me to do what I love because I see you doing what you love? The focus and determination in my man is breathtaking and awe inspiring. We are just getting started but our future burns brighter together because we grow,learn,and yearn together. He has made the clutter of the past fade like the scars of old. He cleanses my being and reinvigorates me soul. Now I'm a new woman. Can you say the same? Have you found that man who makes everything seem like a beautiful day after the storm has passed? Make the pain melt away forever, no longer looking into that hourglass but wanting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years to past so slowly so you can take it all in, to never feel like this moment can end because it is always the start of forever when you are with him.

New laundry or is it old laundry dressed up?

I feel a sense of longing I have not felt in awhile. I am in love it seems like for the first time. Everything about him makes me smile and melt. Infatuated? Probably but I don't care because it is him that I want. Though I want him there are some old feelings floating around from the past. He reminds me why we should be together but I know in my heart I can't. I feel confused and unsure. So full of anxiety that sleep does not come to me but instead tossing and turning from one heart to the other. Am I in love with two? No. I love only one but I'm scared of what that will bring me. Can I really be happy with someone completely? I know I love him at his worst cause I've seen it, lived it, and every time I wanted to walk away I could never leave him alone because I know I wouldn't want someone to leave me alone at my worst. He is everything to me or at least that's how I feel. I pray about it to find the right answer. Stay with the one who has been there through the years. Who knows every part of me and gets me or should I go with the one where we grow together as one. We learn each other at the same time and love each other more everyday because being without each other we can't breathe. We encourage each other to do what we love and the sex is mind blowing every time. He is my drug, my everlasting high but I wonder does he really feel this way about me? Where is the proof? The proof is in how he holds me, how he loves me when I have a bad day, and how he does what he can to make everything alright but wait, am I talking about him or him, his heart or his heart? Where it ends and where it starts is the hard part. I've made up my mind or rather my heart has made up its mind but it's his heart that needs to be made up. It longs to touch me, hold me, kiss me, caress me but can it ever have what it really wants?