It's been a long time coming

But you know change is going to come. I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and especially these last couple of weeks. I feel my heart breaking it seems every day. It seems I'm back to that feeling where you want someone so bad but sadly they don't want you. All you can think of is why? Then you try and make yourself feel better by saying oh it will pass in time, he'll come back to me, he loves me, he can never let me go. But then it really starts to sink in. What if it is really over and there is no going back? There is no way to show how much you have changed and grown as a person? They don't want you and you know it but there is just something that won't let you let it go. You know it's different in every fiber of your being. From the way he never says I love you, well, he does but only after you have said it. He hesitates and those moments when he looks into your eyes and you know he wants to say I love you but something holds him back. Those moments hurt the most, knowing that you can and want to say i love you but you won't. Change is good I know but not at the expense of being this hurt or feeling this alone. I'm happy by myself without a doubt, that is never a question but when you feel a person makes your day that much brighter and better is when you know you need them more than want. I know all these feelings will pass and I will be okay. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but either way I'm yours forever. Maybe not either way. I want you all of you not just part if I can't have that then maybe we are better off just being apart.

This Is Only A Moment

This is only a moment, a fleeting passing moment of many that will happen in our life. I must remember this is only a moment that won't be remembered but forgotten. The moments that we all forgot when another moment seems to take over our thoughts. Remember, it's just another moment. The moment when we looked into each others eyes and found happiness not there a moment before. The moment when we had that fight and hated each other. That moment where we forgot why we weren't talking and started again as though nothing had happened. That moment when you knew these people were your friends for life. The moment when God told you this isn't right. The moment when you had to let it all go to find what you needed and not what you wanted. The moment when everyone took you seriously and believed in what you could do. The moment when you started to believe in yourself and not what other people thought you could do. I can continue to name moments that we have all been through but the point is to remember that this moment will pass. The bad things that happen along with the good make up the rest of your life but it isn't the rest of your life. These moments ease the pain and make you cry but in the end you will feel better at night. Remember these moments but forget them too, because dwelling on moments will make you feel blue. These moments come and go so fast but these moments will never last. In the end, when we look back, most of these moments you won't even be able to recall because these moments are nothing at all.

The Loads Get Lighter

Today was probably worse than the last because I realized how I feel is how I felt in 2005. That feeling of letting you know how I felt then you always giving that same answer and leaving me hurt time and time again. Last time it took me 2 years to stop letting you hurt me but this time it won't be as long. I know where we are and I know it's not over yet, not saying it is but I can't wait and won't wait forever. I'm so clouded by the pain that I can't see what I need to think about and evaluate or else we will be right back here, hurting. We've been in love from the start always will be and face it you are happy with me. Don't be afraid to ask me those questions that you seek. I will be truthful only let the truth speak. When I write the pain is gone and I feel like me but then the day comes and the face I see, it isn't me. I now understand the pain you felt and I know how you dealt with it. You let work be your guide and help you through but you still came back to me no matter what I put you through. I just ask you give me that chance to ask for you back. Don't you hate when all signs lead back to what you thought was wrong and then you find it must be right. Why don't we just go ahead and do it just let ourselves go and find peace in each other; rather than being all alone wondering if this will be a regret, another page in a book. Come on take that chance cause that's what I did with you and found love and happiness where I thought there could be none. It's always you around the corner and I am always there holding your hand.

Oh Laundry Day, How I Dread Thee

I have so many dirty clothes it's about time to get them clean. I am going through one of the roughest times I've ever had in my life. I promise I cry everyday but not for the reason you think. Yes, I feel so alone but I'm sad because I've lost so much and gained so little. The person I love the most left me; well, it's complicated. We broke up for like 2 weeks and then got back together and everything was fine. I thought we were happy but then we got into this huge fight and everything changed after that. He started acting distant but he didn't talk to me about it, he just thought it was good idea to let me continue to think we were back together considering we both talked about it and agreed we were back together. Obviously, I was mistaken instead we were "just acting" like we were back together. Do you know how much that hurt that you would think that you can't even be truthful with me about something this important. You say you love me and I am one of the most important people in your life yet you can't even let me know when you feel different. I can't read minds or moods. I've always been open about how I feel. From the very first time we met I always told you I liked you and you gave me that same response. After 2 years I was done. I couldn't do it anymore but like always better late then never. You realized what you wanted the moment I was over you but it seems like that's always the case. Our minds and feelings are never as one. When I am so in love and happy with you, you are not with me but the moment you are happy I'm miserable it seems. Why can't we ever be on the same page? I love you now more than ever and you seem to love me less. Maybe it's just too many people telling you what you should do instead of you listening to your heart or maybe it's karma catching up with me. There are way too many reasons why our relationship hasn't worked in the past and it's because we both can't get past the issues that we have with each other. The moment we forgive each other for all past aggressions and move forward instead of always looking back, we will be where we need to be, where we should be. Our fate depends on it. I called it from the start that you would be the one that I marry but we are so far away from that. Life without you seems meaningless or maybe just a little unbearable. No matter what happens I love you and I am trying to be better but I know why I can't love you right now, why we never work. I have lost myself and I haven't found my way back. I am no longer the woman you fell in love with. You've taken care of me for so long and I want that to end. The moment I can be by myself and take care of myself will be when our relationship will be like the beginning. I do question though why we think that our relationship has failed when in all actuality the beginning of a relationship is all we know. When anyone ever writes or talks of love they always remember the beginning but the moment that the infatuation passes, we all get lost because no one ever seems to get that far to write about it, to immortalize it in writing, in words, in song. We must look past the beginning and find our way through the middle and not question whether it is right or wrong because who really knows if it's right or wrong. We can't let other people dictate how we feel or how our relationship should be. We should never compare our love to others because we all love different. When you are in love you know it but anyone can convince themselves they are in love but it's the moment that love subsides that we have to find out if we are just too intertwined to ever see ourselves apart.

How much I hate laundry day

Today is the day that I get this off my chest. I can no longer stand to have these feelings inside of me. I long to be able to talk with you and not feel like a fool. I risked everything for you but you felt the need to risk nothing. I was nothing more than a pawn in your love game. I see now how foolish I was. To think, you loved me, well, actually, I know you did just you didn't love me enough or maybe you did but I broke your heart. Now, I have to sit here with the pain in my heart just as you once did. I feel so alone on most days because you are not here beside me. Forgive me for what I have done maybe one day we can right this wrong but now is not the time. I've come to terms with everything but it does not dull the pain. It increases with each day but then subsides. There are days I wish to drown my sorrows in alcohol or with drugs but those days are long past. I never really drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol but only with more pain did the aching in my heart slow to but a slight ache only to be enflamed by your face. Soon enough those days will be gone when the pain no longer reaches me because my heart has turned to stone from all of the times that I've been done wrong or rather chose wrong. I have lost many loves in the past but none as hard as this or rather it's been years since I've felt this pain but no longer can I let you have control of me or my heart. It belongs to another and always has even if I never wanted to admit it to myself or to you. It's been months since we last spoke but I still feel your spirit inside of me longing to be free and reconnect with you so we can again be as one. You wait this long to reconnect, to call my name in longing, to be with me once more but no longer can we be. You have hurt me too many times before and I come back begging for more thinking that you would never hurt me again but I am always fooled. You want me to be what she is not and I used to want you for what he could not be but this can be no longer you see. Things start to fall in line and time starts to unwind and I am back swirling in your arms and head feeling you next to me. Those eyes that only see me in a crowded room. Time begins to loom then everything turns to black no longer feeling the need to look back but look forward to what is my life without. I am forever in your debt for letting me see what I need to be okay with him and love him with all of me instead of just part of me. That part used to be reserved for you but you must realize we never loved each other in whole but only in part because our hearts were never one merely two always drifting apart.

Doing the Laundry

I've been neglecting you but now is the time to do some laundry and get some things clean and out in the open. I have a secret to tell and my oh my is it a big one. Well, you know what? It isn't really. I've been through the ups and downs of life and I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. To try and find my calling and my meaning in life. I also have been thinking about sex less and less and we all know that that is a miracle because when I sex, the masses know. I can't even formalize a picture of me having sex. Instead I think of late night phone calls and days at the lake. The weather perfect and that smell in the air that let me know that it was more than a fling but love. I get that feeling all the time when I see you,smell you,feel a slight brush of your skin on mine. I hear it in your voice even though we can not be together because we both know it is wrong or is it? We have options of leaving each other for the "loves of our life's" but we already know that we hate each other and that we wouldn't want it any other way. We can't stand the sight of each other or the memories that get replayed. Can't stand the nights together and the first we had. Can't stand that everyone thinks that I'm your girl and you are my man. We are the past and forever will be. The future is not ours together but separate no matter how much the hate grows. We hate so much that it overflows and in the end, that is all that matters even if we can and never will be together.