Clean clothes that can't be put away

So it's Thursday night and I'm at home. I usually go out to the club to go see my bouncer and have a good time out with friends. Tonight, everything is amiss. I'm engaged and don't know if I want to be. I am in love but not sure I want to be. I don't want anyone else but the feeling of being surpressed is all around me. I can't breathe and it's getting worse and worse. I think I am in need of a change and fast. It seems everything is going down the same path that I wanted to leave in the past. I don't want to hurt anyone not even myself because I know with whatever decision I make I will. Someone save me from this mundane life of mine. I need excitement and change. Stop!!!! Before I made my decision there were too many signs that pointed to this engagement. The random guy saying he would marry me to the guy saying congrats on the engagement. There were just too many signs pointing to the obvious decision I needed to make. I'm happy but then I question is he right? Is he it? If he is then why can't I make myself want to be with him? Why can't I be turned on by him without my having to go without sex for a month? This isn't about you but it's about me. I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be the best thing for you because you are way too good to me. You love me despite my failure to love you the way I should. You compromise to keep me near but I can't compromise just to keep back the fear. I don't want to be rash but this could be our last chance. The more you are away the more I want to be free but want you near me. The more you are near the more I can't stand to have you here but the more I fear. My head spins from the back and forth but I can't make a decision not now, not tonight. I remember romantic nights with everyone I've been with but you. Where are our romantic nights and love making sessions? I made love to him but he did not make love back. I've made love to a random stranger and I could feel the connection but our connection has been interupted. Come back online maybe just one more time.