One more damn piece of laundry

Silence is golden they say but in this instance it cuts like a knife. Harder to say what is real and hurt my feelings the right way instead of leading me down a road that I don't want to be on. My mind is replaying conversations where it seemed the love was real where we were together but not. Played myself again. Backed myself into a corner. Slowly, quietly I mourn for something I never really got. This isn't about you but about me. I am in pain because I let you get to me. I should of trusted how I felt ignored your advances and been by myself. Now, I'm stuck in love with you wanting it to be no more. To be as cold and heartless as you are. Who am I kidding? I'm just mad as hell but I know karma is putting me in jail.

CRM laundry

I've come a long way to go back to this now. I've been through this before but it seems harder this time around. Maybe its because deep down I know you feel like I do but you just have a better way of hiding it. I used to be like that but when it comes to you all that goes out the window. I feel lost in your embrace, your eyes, you lost in my legs and my thighs. We are intertwined more than we thought. Closer together in our souls than ever expected. Maybe I'm just kidding myself and seeing things and feeling feelings that aren't really there. Our relationship has never been defined. We have never had that dialogue that is needed to keep this from happening. Now I'm lost in this world wondering if what I'm feeling is right and if at the end of the night it's me that you think of, holding me tight. Tell me for once am I the one? You told me before that I was worth it but I think you forgot. Come back to me and remember so I will always have you no matter the reason or season. I know this is getting old but I have to get it out because I can't tell you how I really feel until I know that what you told me once is real. You fear the unknown and what we are. You fear knowing that you have my heart a lot deeper and stronger than I have yours or maybe it's my fear that is holding you back. Ugh, I'm done rehashing all these old thoughts and facts. Fuck it you love me you told me that. So what's so hard about everything else? Forget the distance, forget the pain, forget the calls, forget the texts all you need to do is remember everything else. That feeling you felt when we were together. How we seemed to melt when around each other. You've always been bad at expressing your feelings but this time you need to let me know so I can finally be with you or let you go.

Spinning Spinning Out of Control

I'm spinning out of control not sure how to regain what I've lost. Every time I'm okay something makes me feel lost. Things never go according to plan but you know I wouldn't want it any other way. My life has been nothing but unplanned incidences. My love for the one who doesn't want me but leads me on because he can. To the one who was mine but not anymore makes me feel like I've lost the only person who ever truly loved me. To feeling so close yet so far away from those things that mean the most to me. I'm just having a down kind of day. Maybe it's the rain or maybe it's my pain or maybe I'm just complaining for no reason. Honestly I know my heart and my place but just need to clear out this depressing crap in my mental space.

Spin Cycle

Is it bad for me to still want you and yearn for you? to still see a future burning bright together? People saying we are meant to be together. I thought this would be easy but things never are. I want you and I have to pretend that I don't. To act like I'm fine with us being what we are. Maybe it's okay for you or maybe you feel my hurt but you know what? That's a joke. You don't and won't ever get how I feel. Can never understand that what I'm feeling is deeper than real. My thoughts and movements are synchronized steps just to help me fake what's real and to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly know. To stop feeling that everything we had was fake that it was more of let them eat cake. Maybe I just need to stop overthinking. Get over you and over this feeling. Hell, I need to get back to just living and doing what I do best. Running from everything because it is too scary to face. Or maybe I need you to help me run my last race?

Let it burn

The answers that I searched so long to hear have been said but still doubts are playing in my head. Was the love ever there or you just liked the sound of the words forever? We can still be friends and have fun but if that was what you wanted why not say it from the beginning? You played me and now I'm still in limbo. Wanting you but needing something else or maybe you are exactly what I need. You feed my soul and make my heart bleed. Rip my tongue out and shove it down your throat. We fuck so hard it burns like gas to a flame. Everything about you hurts, causes pain but I want to feel that feeling again and again. It makes me feel alive but weak makes me know I need you here to keep this heart beat.

Old laundry, new laundry; always the same.

Sometimes I can be a little needy well more than a little. I'm a little high maintenance and a little bit of a pain. I nag too much and have a tendency to complain but if you can deal with all that then I know that I've found my man. Maybe I'm a little bit crazy and overemotional but I do it not because I want to. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I lose you but it's just me pushing you away because I'm afraid of commitment. Can't stand the idea of being with someone for so long but then I fall in love and want to stay that way forever. However, the pain comes back because he didn't understand or wouldn't or couldn't. He just didn't get me didn't want to see past all those imperfections and love me imperfectly. I blame myself when really it's not about me. It has nor will it ever be about my happiness, no it should be about our happiness. When together we can take on the world and hell we did it but it was only for a moment, a quick fleeting minute. You ran and never looked back. Never wanted me to keep up or keep track. Instead you left me behind wondering where you went and I'm wondering still will you ever look back, try and come and get me to lead me with you instead of leaving me in the distance. Come back to me just for a second so I can see what it feels like to leave you cold and broken and used. To say I love you and make you look like a fool. To run away without giving any answers and leaving you bruised and asking why? Will that make anything right? No, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better. To make you understand what it means to have a broken heart and wonder if you can ever be okay to love again completely without feeling like running away. To love so deeply that you feel their soul. To understand that it isn't about two separate beings but us as one. To understand the true meaning of what it means to be in love.

Can laundry get any cleaner?

You make me feel brand new and make me want to be a better person. I've never felt that before and I can honestly say that I want and need this feeling all the time. I've never been more focused or my mind more clear. Ever since you came into my life all the things I thought I couldn't do I feel the strength, the need, the urge to do it all. That's why I love you. Where have you been all this time to encourage me to do what I love because I see you doing what you love? The focus and determination in my man is breathtaking and awe inspiring. We are just getting started but our future burns brighter together because we grow,learn,and yearn together. He has made the clutter of the past fade like the scars of old. He cleanses my being and reinvigorates me soul. Now I'm a new woman. Can you say the same? Have you found that man who makes everything seem like a beautiful day after the storm has passed? Make the pain melt away forever, no longer looking into that hourglass but wanting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years to past so slowly so you can take it all in, to never feel like this moment can end because it is always the start of forever when you are with him.

New laundry or is it old laundry dressed up?

I feel a sense of longing I have not felt in awhile. I am in love it seems like for the first time. Everything about him makes me smile and melt. Infatuated? Probably but I don't care because it is him that I want. Though I want him there are some old feelings floating around from the past. He reminds me why we should be together but I know in my heart I can't. I feel confused and unsure. So full of anxiety that sleep does not come to me but instead tossing and turning from one heart to the other. Am I in love with two? No. I love only one but I'm scared of what that will bring me. Can I really be happy with someone completely? I know I love him at his worst cause I've seen it, lived it, and every time I wanted to walk away I could never leave him alone because I know I wouldn't want someone to leave me alone at my worst. He is everything to me or at least that's how I feel. I pray about it to find the right answer. Stay with the one who has been there through the years. Who knows every part of me and gets me or should I go with the one where we grow together as one. We learn each other at the same time and love each other more everyday because being without each other we can't breathe. We encourage each other to do what we love and the sex is mind blowing every time. He is my drug, my everlasting high but I wonder does he really feel this way about me? Where is the proof? The proof is in how he holds me, how he loves me when I have a bad day, and how he does what he can to make everything alright but wait, am I talking about him or him, his heart or his heart? Where it ends and where it starts is the hard part. I've made up my mind or rather my heart has made up its mind but it's his heart that needs to be made up. It longs to touch me, hold me, kiss me, caress me but can it ever have what it really wants?

Old laundry

The lies that are told to keep the status quo are becoming old. I have to find a way to let you go because the pain is becoming too much. The thought of you being with someone else overwhelms me and I am suddenly consumed with fear. You can never leave my side nor can I ever leave yours. We have been intertwined since the day we met and well, I just can't let that go yet but maybe just maybe I should.

New Beginnings

I've been slacking on my blog game but I haven't had that feeling to write nor express myself. I have lost my focus and I need to get it back. I tried to follow the teachings of The Secret but that fell through. I'm trying to get my way back there but it's hard. Feeling disappointed and discouraged doesn't help the situation but I'm trying to be more positive. Also, procrastinating less which has been a difficult but also rewarding experience. The more I do it the less I want to procrastinate. Procrastination is the death of all my brillant ideas. I need to learn execution and I can be very successful. The next blog will focus more on my story ideas and accomplishing all the things I want. Until next time, keep up on your laundry.

It's been a long time coming

But you know change is going to come. I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and especially these last couple of weeks. I feel my heart breaking it seems every day. It seems I'm back to that feeling where you want someone so bad but sadly they don't want you. All you can think of is why? Then you try and make yourself feel better by saying oh it will pass in time, he'll come back to me, he loves me, he can never let me go. But then it really starts to sink in. What if it is really over and there is no going back? There is no way to show how much you have changed and grown as a person? They don't want you and you know it but there is just something that won't let you let it go. You know it's different in every fiber of your being. From the way he never says I love you, well, he does but only after you have said it. He hesitates and those moments when he looks into your eyes and you know he wants to say I love you but something holds him back. Those moments hurt the most, knowing that you can and want to say i love you but you won't. Change is good I know but not at the expense of being this hurt or feeling this alone. I'm happy by myself without a doubt, that is never a question but when you feel a person makes your day that much brighter and better is when you know you need them more than want. I know all these feelings will pass and I will be okay. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but either way I'm yours forever. Maybe not either way. I want you all of you not just part if I can't have that then maybe we are better off just being apart.

This Is Only A Moment

This is only a moment, a fleeting passing moment of many that will happen in our life. I must remember this is only a moment that won't be remembered but forgotten. The moments that we all forgot when another moment seems to take over our thoughts. Remember, it's just another moment. The moment when we looked into each others eyes and found happiness not there a moment before. The moment when we had that fight and hated each other. That moment where we forgot why we weren't talking and started again as though nothing had happened. That moment when you knew these people were your friends for life. The moment when God told you this isn't right. The moment when you had to let it all go to find what you needed and not what you wanted. The moment when everyone took you seriously and believed in what you could do. The moment when you started to believe in yourself and not what other people thought you could do. I can continue to name moments that we have all been through but the point is to remember that this moment will pass. The bad things that happen along with the good make up the rest of your life but it isn't the rest of your life. These moments ease the pain and make you cry but in the end you will feel better at night. Remember these moments but forget them too, because dwelling on moments will make you feel blue. These moments come and go so fast but these moments will never last. In the end, when we look back, most of these moments you won't even be able to recall because these moments are nothing at all.

The Loads Get Lighter

Today was probably worse than the last because I realized how I feel is how I felt in 2005. That feeling of letting you know how I felt then you always giving that same answer and leaving me hurt time and time again. Last time it took me 2 years to stop letting you hurt me but this time it won't be as long. I know where we are and I know it's not over yet, not saying it is but I can't wait and won't wait forever. I'm so clouded by the pain that I can't see what I need to think about and evaluate or else we will be right back here, hurting. We've been in love from the start always will be and face it you are happy with me. Don't be afraid to ask me those questions that you seek. I will be truthful only let the truth speak. When I write the pain is gone and I feel like me but then the day comes and the face I see, it isn't me. I now understand the pain you felt and I know how you dealt with it. You let work be your guide and help you through but you still came back to me no matter what I put you through. I just ask you give me that chance to ask for you back. Don't you hate when all signs lead back to what you thought was wrong and then you find it must be right. Why don't we just go ahead and do it just let ourselves go and find peace in each other; rather than being all alone wondering if this will be a regret, another page in a book. Come on take that chance cause that's what I did with you and found love and happiness where I thought there could be none. It's always you around the corner and I am always there holding your hand.

Oh Laundry Day, How I Dread Thee

I have so many dirty clothes it's about time to get them clean. I am going through one of the roughest times I've ever had in my life. I promise I cry everyday but not for the reason you think. Yes, I feel so alone but I'm sad because I've lost so much and gained so little. The person I love the most left me; well, it's complicated. We broke up for like 2 weeks and then got back together and everything was fine. I thought we were happy but then we got into this huge fight and everything changed after that. He started acting distant but he didn't talk to me about it, he just thought it was good idea to let me continue to think we were back together considering we both talked about it and agreed we were back together. Obviously, I was mistaken instead we were "just acting" like we were back together. Do you know how much that hurt that you would think that you can't even be truthful with me about something this important. You say you love me and I am one of the most important people in your life yet you can't even let me know when you feel different. I can't read minds or moods. I've always been open about how I feel. From the very first time we met I always told you I liked you and you gave me that same response. After 2 years I was done. I couldn't do it anymore but like always better late then never. You realized what you wanted the moment I was over you but it seems like that's always the case. Our minds and feelings are never as one. When I am so in love and happy with you, you are not with me but the moment you are happy I'm miserable it seems. Why can't we ever be on the same page? I love you now more than ever and you seem to love me less. Maybe it's just too many people telling you what you should do instead of you listening to your heart or maybe it's karma catching up with me. There are way too many reasons why our relationship hasn't worked in the past and it's because we both can't get past the issues that we have with each other. The moment we forgive each other for all past aggressions and move forward instead of always looking back, we will be where we need to be, where we should be. Our fate depends on it. I called it from the start that you would be the one that I marry but we are so far away from that. Life without you seems meaningless or maybe just a little unbearable. No matter what happens I love you and I am trying to be better but I know why I can't love you right now, why we never work. I have lost myself and I haven't found my way back. I am no longer the woman you fell in love with. You've taken care of me for so long and I want that to end. The moment I can be by myself and take care of myself will be when our relationship will be like the beginning. I do question though why we think that our relationship has failed when in all actuality the beginning of a relationship is all we know. When anyone ever writes or talks of love they always remember the beginning but the moment that the infatuation passes, we all get lost because no one ever seems to get that far to write about it, to immortalize it in writing, in words, in song. We must look past the beginning and find our way through the middle and not question whether it is right or wrong because who really knows if it's right or wrong. We can't let other people dictate how we feel or how our relationship should be. We should never compare our love to others because we all love different. When you are in love you know it but anyone can convince themselves they are in love but it's the moment that love subsides that we have to find out if we are just too intertwined to ever see ourselves apart.

How much I hate laundry day

Today is the day that I get this off my chest. I can no longer stand to have these feelings inside of me. I long to be able to talk with you and not feel like a fool. I risked everything for you but you felt the need to risk nothing. I was nothing more than a pawn in your love game. I see now how foolish I was. To think, you loved me, well, actually, I know you did just you didn't love me enough or maybe you did but I broke your heart. Now, I have to sit here with the pain in my heart just as you once did. I feel so alone on most days because you are not here beside me. Forgive me for what I have done maybe one day we can right this wrong but now is not the time. I've come to terms with everything but it does not dull the pain. It increases with each day but then subsides. There are days I wish to drown my sorrows in alcohol or with drugs but those days are long past. I never really drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol but only with more pain did the aching in my heart slow to but a slight ache only to be enflamed by your face. Soon enough those days will be gone when the pain no longer reaches me because my heart has turned to stone from all of the times that I've been done wrong or rather chose wrong. I have lost many loves in the past but none as hard as this or rather it's been years since I've felt this pain but no longer can I let you have control of me or my heart. It belongs to another and always has even if I never wanted to admit it to myself or to you. It's been months since we last spoke but I still feel your spirit inside of me longing to be free and reconnect with you so we can again be as one. You wait this long to reconnect, to call my name in longing, to be with me once more but no longer can we be. You have hurt me too many times before and I come back begging for more thinking that you would never hurt me again but I am always fooled. You want me to be what she is not and I used to want you for what he could not be but this can be no longer you see. Things start to fall in line and time starts to unwind and I am back swirling in your arms and head feeling you next to me. Those eyes that only see me in a crowded room. Time begins to loom then everything turns to black no longer feeling the need to look back but look forward to what is my life without. I am forever in your debt for letting me see what I need to be okay with him and love him with all of me instead of just part of me. That part used to be reserved for you but you must realize we never loved each other in whole but only in part because our hearts were never one merely two always drifting apart.

Doing the Laundry

I've been neglecting you but now is the time to do some laundry and get some things clean and out in the open. I have a secret to tell and my oh my is it a big one. Well, you know what? It isn't really. I've been through the ups and downs of life and I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. To try and find my calling and my meaning in life. I also have been thinking about sex less and less and we all know that that is a miracle because when I sex, the masses know. I can't even formalize a picture of me having sex. Instead I think of late night phone calls and days at the lake. The weather perfect and that smell in the air that let me know that it was more than a fling but love. I get that feeling all the time when I see you,smell you,feel a slight brush of your skin on mine. I hear it in your voice even though we can not be together because we both know it is wrong or is it? We have options of leaving each other for the "loves of our life's" but we already know that we hate each other and that we wouldn't want it any other way. We can't stand the sight of each other or the memories that get replayed. Can't stand the nights together and the first we had. Can't stand that everyone thinks that I'm your girl and you are my man. We are the past and forever will be. The future is not ours together but separate no matter how much the hate grows. We hate so much that it overflows and in the end, that is all that matters even if we can and never will be together.

I've Caught Up on My Laundry;Have You?

So, I've been away for awhile but I've been trying to get my love life together. It worked. My fiance and I are going strong. I came to the conclusion that there is no other person in this world I would rather be with than him. He's been with me through so much and he makes me happy when I let him make me happy. It was just a matter of me opening my heart and letting him back in. Our wedding is in two years and getting excited to plan the wedding. I just hope I don't become a bridezilla in the process because I do have a temper. Other than that my life has been eh okay. I got layed off from my job but it's not as bad as you think. I've come to realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe it means it's time for me to sit down and finish writing my books that I have been working on for the past couple of months. I need to be focused and dedicated in which I am but I'm not. I tell myself that I have writer's block but does writer's block actually exist or is it your mind playing tricks on you, discouraging you from the task at hand? The thing is to stay focused which is hard for me because I am in no way linear and my mind wanders easily. I come to find that this makes writing a novel difficult because first I feel that I have to write in order but I know that I don't. Second, I get distracted and Third, I want everything to flow and make sense the first time around which never happens when you are writing a book. I have so many preconceived notions in my head of how a book should be written and I instead need to focus on just writing, not about how it is done but just do it.

Clean clothes that can't be put away

So it's Thursday night and I'm at home. I usually go out to the club to go see my bouncer and have a good time out with friends. Tonight, everything is amiss. I'm engaged and don't know if I want to be. I am in love but not sure I want to be. I don't want anyone else but the feeling of being surpressed is all around me. I can't breathe and it's getting worse and worse. I think I am in need of a change and fast. It seems everything is going down the same path that I wanted to leave in the past. I don't want to hurt anyone not even myself because I know with whatever decision I make I will. Someone save me from this mundane life of mine. I need excitement and change. Stop!!!! Before I made my decision there were too many signs that pointed to this engagement. The random guy saying he would marry me to the guy saying congrats on the engagement. There were just too many signs pointing to the obvious decision I needed to make. I'm happy but then I question is he right? Is he it? If he is then why can't I make myself want to be with him? Why can't I be turned on by him without my having to go without sex for a month? This isn't about you but it's about me. I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be the best thing for you because you are way too good to me. You love me despite my failure to love you the way I should. You compromise to keep me near but I can't compromise just to keep back the fear. I don't want to be rash but this could be our last chance. The more you are away the more I want to be free but want you near me. The more you are near the more I can't stand to have you here but the more I fear. My head spins from the back and forth but I can't make a decision not now, not tonight. I remember romantic nights with everyone I've been with but you. Where are our romantic nights and love making sessions? I made love to him but he did not make love back. I've made love to a random stranger and I could feel the connection but our connection has been interupted. Come back online maybe just one more time.

Dirty Dirty Clothes taking up space

I am extremely in need and I want to give in. I want him more and more every time I see him or talk to him. I want him to sex me so hard I come like a river. I can't help but want him in my life everyday. I don't understand this feeling. I love him so much but I don't want him to touch me but in my mind all i can think about is him giving it to me so good. Why am I so confused? Can you help me stop the ruse. If you didn't plead and beg would I let you in bed? If you could stop being a bitch would I let you touch my clit? If you would let me be in more control I would let you be my soul? If you just told me the truth would we be different and end the dance? I know what you want and that's me. Just let yourself be free with me because you already are. I know you want me in more way than one and the thing is that we have the sex but what about the rest? The relationship? Forget the girl that you are with because I'm better for you and your dick. I make you want to cheat that's why we can't be deeper than what we are. You want all of me but the sex is the only thing that you can have so far. Or do we already have it all and I just have given the signal of acquittal? Jealousy is our foreplay and conversation is our sex but still what about the rest? I'm married to you, I feel it in my soul but is this right for us, do we make the perfect mold? We used to fit so good and you used to be my food but now you are nothing more than garbage, waste. Where's the happy ending we have been seeing? It's at the end of the hall that we can't reach because I'm in love with him and he in love with me but she is in love with he that is not him and him not in love with her but she. Maybe they need to understand the love of each other before they both can love we.

Too much laundry

So I've been away for a minute and accumulated too much laundry. Let's start off with the fact that my ex boyfriend and I have been through way too many ups and downs lately. First off, there is a previous post where I told you he wasn't talking to me anymore. Well, that lasted about a week and then we talked it out and I told him all the things that I've done and we got back to a kewl place. I actually kind of fell in love with him again. Then my sister's wedding came around and everything changed. The whole time I was there I wanted to be getting married and it didn't help that my family already thought that my ex and I should get married and that I was going to be the next one to be married. I, however, start crushing on one of the groomsmen and that's when everything changed again. I suddenly didn't want to be tied down to one person but to be free to roam and do whatever I want. I get back and my entire attitude has changed. All of sudden I feel the same way towards him as I used to. That feeling of resentment and just all around being annoyed with him. So, the past couple of weeks have been quite stressful. They also have been some of the most amazing weeks ever or rather should I say interesting. At first my ex and I were just kewl with being friends and then he started to realize that he was too in love with me for that and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me to marry him. I'm speechless. I for one can not come to a decision right now about marriage because of the mentality I have about relationships in general. It seems like he is pressuring me to come to a decision, not about marriage but our relationship in general. I can't wrap my mind around why I treat him the way I do. Maybe it's because of the past before we started dating. The taking advantage of how innocent I was and now I'm subconsciously letting those feelings play out in real life without realizing it. I resent him so much but that still doesn't mean I should treat him this way. I care about him and but right now making that big of a decision can not happen. I'm 23 and just trying to live life.
Another problem that arises is the one of sex. I've decided that I'm going to be celibate for awhile well at least we will see how long this lasts. I still am very much wanting my military man but he has a girl and it's starting to get complicated well not really. The thing is that military man and I enjoy each others company as well as we enjoy talking to each other. I mean when you get to the point where a conversation is better than having sex with someone then that tends to mean something. That could also cause problems. The thing is that military man likes me a lot more than he is willing to admit and it is quite obvious. From the fact he enjoys my company and wants to have relations with me to when I'm at the club he has the tendency to stare at me and watch what I'm doing(He's a bouncer as well if you were wondering). I actually think that we enjoy way too much making each other jealous but at the same time we have to act like we aren't because we just have sex with each other. It's actually quite amusing. Enough about him. I could just talk about him for hours. So the ex gets upset with the fact that I'm so kewl with having sex with another guy and doing things with this guy opposed to him. I get that I'm wrong for that I know. I just have a problem with having sex with my ex. I don't understand it because when we do have sex I do actually enjoy it. I guess I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to have control of the sex because he was in control of it for so long. I have a lot to think about and I can't come to a conclusion. Maybe that means I need a vacay pronto if only....