Clean clothes that can't be put away

So it's Thursday night and I'm at home. I usually go out to the club to go see my bouncer and have a good time out with friends. Tonight, everything is amiss. I'm engaged and don't know if I want to be. I am in love but not sure I want to be. I don't want anyone else but the feeling of being surpressed is all around me. I can't breathe and it's getting worse and worse. I think I am in need of a change and fast. It seems everything is going down the same path that I wanted to leave in the past. I don't want to hurt anyone not even myself because I know with whatever decision I make I will. Someone save me from this mundane life of mine. I need excitement and change. Stop!!!! Before I made my decision there were too many signs that pointed to this engagement. The random guy saying he would marry me to the guy saying congrats on the engagement. There were just too many signs pointing to the obvious decision I needed to make. I'm happy but then I question is he right? Is he it? If he is then why can't I make myself want to be with him? Why can't I be turned on by him without my having to go without sex for a month? This isn't about you but it's about me. I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be the best thing for you because you are way too good to me. You love me despite my failure to love you the way I should. You compromise to keep me near but I can't compromise just to keep back the fear. I don't want to be rash but this could be our last chance. The more you are away the more I want to be free but want you near me. The more you are near the more I can't stand to have you here but the more I fear. My head spins from the back and forth but I can't make a decision not now, not tonight. I remember romantic nights with everyone I've been with but you. Where are our romantic nights and love making sessions? I made love to him but he did not make love back. I've made love to a random stranger and I could feel the connection but our connection has been interupted. Come back online maybe just one more time.

Dirty Dirty Clothes taking up space

I am extremely in need and I want to give in. I want him more and more every time I see him or talk to him. I want him to sex me so hard I come like a river. I can't help but want him in my life everyday. I don't understand this feeling. I love him so much but I don't want him to touch me but in my mind all i can think about is him giving it to me so good. Why am I so confused? Can you help me stop the ruse. If you didn't plead and beg would I let you in bed? If you could stop being a bitch would I let you touch my clit? If you would let me be in more control I would let you be my soul? If you just told me the truth would we be different and end the dance? I know what you want and that's me. Just let yourself be free with me because you already are. I know you want me in more way than one and the thing is that we have the sex but what about the rest? The relationship? Forget the girl that you are with because I'm better for you and your dick. I make you want to cheat that's why we can't be deeper than what we are. You want all of me but the sex is the only thing that you can have so far. Or do we already have it all and I just have given the signal of acquittal? Jealousy is our foreplay and conversation is our sex but still what about the rest? I'm married to you, I feel it in my soul but is this right for us, do we make the perfect mold? We used to fit so good and you used to be my food but now you are nothing more than garbage, waste. Where's the happy ending we have been seeing? It's at the end of the hall that we can't reach because I'm in love with him and he in love with me but she is in love with he that is not him and him not in love with her but she. Maybe they need to understand the love of each other before they both can love we.

Too much laundry

So I've been away for a minute and accumulated too much laundry. Let's start off with the fact that my ex boyfriend and I have been through way too many ups and downs lately. First off, there is a previous post where I told you he wasn't talking to me anymore. Well, that lasted about a week and then we talked it out and I told him all the things that I've done and we got back to a kewl place. I actually kind of fell in love with him again. Then my sister's wedding came around and everything changed. The whole time I was there I wanted to be getting married and it didn't help that my family already thought that my ex and I should get married and that I was going to be the next one to be married. I, however, start crushing on one of the groomsmen and that's when everything changed again. I suddenly didn't want to be tied down to one person but to be free to roam and do whatever I want. I get back and my entire attitude has changed. All of sudden I feel the same way towards him as I used to. That feeling of resentment and just all around being annoyed with him. So, the past couple of weeks have been quite stressful. They also have been some of the most amazing weeks ever or rather should I say interesting. At first my ex and I were just kewl with being friends and then he started to realize that he was too in love with me for that and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me to marry him. I'm speechless. I for one can not come to a decision right now about marriage because of the mentality I have about relationships in general. It seems like he is pressuring me to come to a decision, not about marriage but our relationship in general. I can't wrap my mind around why I treat him the way I do. Maybe it's because of the past before we started dating. The taking advantage of how innocent I was and now I'm subconsciously letting those feelings play out in real life without realizing it. I resent him so much but that still doesn't mean I should treat him this way. I care about him and but right now making that big of a decision can not happen. I'm 23 and just trying to live life.
Another problem that arises is the one of sex. I've decided that I'm going to be celibate for awhile well at least we will see how long this lasts. I still am very much wanting my military man but he has a girl and it's starting to get complicated well not really. The thing is that military man and I enjoy each others company as well as we enjoy talking to each other. I mean when you get to the point where a conversation is better than having sex with someone then that tends to mean something. That could also cause problems. The thing is that military man likes me a lot more than he is willing to admit and it is quite obvious. From the fact he enjoys my company and wants to have relations with me to when I'm at the club he has the tendency to stare at me and watch what I'm doing(He's a bouncer as well if you were wondering). I actually think that we enjoy way too much making each other jealous but at the same time we have to act like we aren't because we just have sex with each other. It's actually quite amusing. Enough about him. I could just talk about him for hours. So the ex gets upset with the fact that I'm so kewl with having sex with another guy and doing things with this guy opposed to him. I get that I'm wrong for that I know. I just have a problem with having sex with my ex. I don't understand it because when we do have sex I do actually enjoy it. I guess I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to have control of the sex because he was in control of it for so long. I have a lot to think about and I can't come to a conclusion. Maybe that means I need a vacay pronto if only....