Throw it away

I'm a little upset but I shouldn't be. I've come to a conclusion, I'm over talking to guys at the moment. I'm taking a hiatus because too many things have been happening recently to make me despise not like guys. I like people who are truthful and I've been running into too many who like to give off a certain impression about things and it be the furthest thing from the truth. I'm over it. I'm throwing all of this laundry away and starting fresh. Some laundry is good for one wear only and then you throw it away.

Rinse and Repeat

This past weekend was interesting to say the least. I got dumped by Facebook well sort of kind of not really. I got a huge self-esteem boost from all the random people on the streets of New Orleans and I got some reassurance from friends that I should keep writing. I also had one of the most amazing Monday nights of my life and now I'm not sure what to do about it or rather how to handle it.
Concerning this past weekend, Thursday I drank myself silly with friends from out of town which turned into Friday where I puked my guts out all day. After I finally stopped the puke parade, I went on a movie date with a good friend where we proceeded to realize that the happy express we were on just got derailed and we are on the verge of dying. Somehow the weekend revived me and now I'm back on the happy train (while writing this I just got kicked off. Living the writer lifestyle is not okay. Well, it is but you know.) Saturday started out blah but then I got drinks and food with some good friends that reminded me why I love this city so much and why God told me that New Orleans is where I was meant to be. While basking in these happy thoughts, I happen to check Facebook and get a kick in the stomach by seeing or at least what seems like me getting told that that guy you were talking to is now in a relationship with someone. Ohh, burn. Totally hurt my feelings but then I proceeded to participate in cloudlife and the sting kind of went away. I also received a text from someone that I didn't expect. He invites me out and I learned that he was kind of feeling me, in which, made the night ten times better because I was kind of feeling him too. Besides that, I got complimented A LOT.  A girl loves nothing more than to be complimented but some of the things these guys were saying was just off the wall and unacceptable. Especially, the guy who called me a gazelle and then referred to himself as a cougar hunting a mouse and instead found a gazelle. Yeah, the fact that that reference was in relation to sex was even creepier but probably not as bad as the guy that pulled along side me while I was walking and told me to get in. Excuse me sir, but I don't know you. Though that could of been an amazing sexual encounter that ish was just way beyond creepy.
This leads me to Monday night in which my encounter was amazing and the person who I thought was cute became uber sexy. I, for one, do not believe in casual sex and one night stands and neither of those things happened but that brings to mind all the things in between. The make out sessions and heavy petting that leads to other things. I'm not quite sure how I feel about these things. I'm into relationship sex and heavy petting and making out. I want it to have a deeper meaning than either one of us just getting our rocks off. It makes me realize I've been out of the game for way too long. My encounter on Monday with sexy guy literally blew my mind more so because of how connected it felt. Our fingers intertwining and the feel of his fingers on my skin was so sensual. It seemed like I was the only woman in the world that he wanted to be with. There was just this crazy amount of energy between us that I have never felt before. I liked it and want it to happen again on a regular basis. Will it? I don't know. I think he knows how I feel about the situation and if he doesn't he soon will. Oh and did I mention, the kissing was amazing? Even if he did ask to kiss me. I like guys to be forward and take it so to speak. If the oppourtunity is there, then it should be taken.
At the end of the day, I can say that things are on the up and up I guess. After Saturday, I realized that my trust and faith in people was dying and I still believe it is. Did sexy guy slightly change that? Yes and no. I guess I still have a problem with trusting myself and what I feel. I always have that feeling of being lied to by everyone just to be nice. I can't be with anyone until I'm over that but I think if things progress the way I would like them to with sexy guy then I could be over it. Hmm. We will see what happens but until then I'll rinse and repeat until I get it right.

New Makes for Clean Laundry

So the past couple of days have been kind of interesting for me. I've been thinking about my year so far, and I have realized that a lot of older men have expressed interest in me and I'm a little taken back by it. I'm not saying it is a bad thing but it catches me off guard. I like older men but I question whether or not a man who is 15 years my senior is a good fit for me. I think so. I just met this man who I'm really taken with and I'm unsure why. When I first met him I didn't even feel him in that way but the way he engaged me caught me off guard. It intrigued me, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive but I didn't notice his attractiveness at first. He just seemed like a nice guy to talk to and not to mention he was very observant. I like when a man is observant. He classified me as a person who likes form and function, in which, I never thought of myself like that but it does make sense. It makes me wonder if he is the right form and function for me. Now, I don't know him nor does he know me but he makes me feel like a high school girl every time I talk to him or think about him. I probably shouldn't put that in writing but eh. I mean, I get extra giddy and smiley, and I don't know how to handle it. We haven't even been on a date yet and I'm not even sure one will happen, though I hope it does. I also met another guy last night who told me he liked my swag and the way I carried myself. He also said, I was dressed like a woman is supposed to be dressed and that because of my demeanor I attracted quality men. I chuckled. It was cute though the use of the word swag is played out. I appreciated him saying those things because recently I've been having issues with the way I look. I know that I am an attractive person but sometimes, which has been a lot recently, I feel unattractive when I'm out. I'm not really one to be extremely girly and I feel like guys just kind of look past me. There were girls last night dressed in flattering clothing and heels with guys all around and it bothered me a bit. It made me feel unattractive because I had on a turtleneck sweater and jeans. I'm not looking for anyone to constantly tell me that I'm beautiful, I've heard that plenty of times and sometimes those words mean nothing when coming out of some peoples mouths but I digress. I'm not looking for people to comment and say I'm attractive, I know that already. I want someone to show me because words can only go so far but actions speak louder, much louder. I also learned a long time ago that the way you dress does not necessarily have a direct correlation to men being attracted to you. Most females feel the need to dress slutty in order to feel sexy but sexy is not in the way you dress but in the way you carry yourself. Years ago I learned that when I went out in a black sweater and white pants with boots. I literally had almost every inch of my body covered and I got complimented more that night than any other night I had been out. Ever since that night, seeing me in something short or uber revealing does not happen that often. I guess I've grown a lot as a person, a lot more than I realized. For instance, my friends and I have recently been talking about dating people and relationships and we have all agreed upon one thing, everybody has a problem or problems and it has to be decided whether or not we want to deal with that problem. I'm going to go ahead and put my problems out there. For one, I have trust issues but I'm getting better with that. I'm also a jealous person but that comes and goes and usually I'll hide that ish before I say anything about it, which is not good but eh, I'm working on it. I probably have some other ones but those are the big ones. I've also learned to say what it is that I want, well I've actually always done that especially when it comes to males. Time is too short to be afraid to tell a guy that you like him. Too many people are afraid of rejection but at some point it is going to happen so why not embrace it and kick rejections ass. Sometimes I have a tendency to be a little forward when it comes to matters of the heart but that's because I get excited about the prospect of intimacy. And by intimacy, I mean on more than a physical level but an mental and emotional level. Either way, I'm pretty happy with where things are progressing in my life. In a few weeks, I hope to have good news about a certain someone who has recently entered my life and I'm working on loving me no matter what.

True Love Never Washes Away

So I receive emails from Hugh McLeod who does gapingvoid and the artwork of the day is a heart with the words we made it! He proceeds to explain about the difference between romantic love and true love and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve being living my life okay with romantic love and wanting that, but true love is what I need. I’ve experienced true love once before where you just wake up one day and realize I’m in love with my best friend. That feeling still persist to this day but the guy and me are no longer together. Will we end up together, maybe. I’m more of the school of whatever happens,happens.
Since we are on the topic of love, I’m finally going through the break up for real this time. The guy I’ve been dating off and on for the past 5 years is finally going to be out of my life. Am I sad about it? Extremely, especially because I’m letting him keep the cats but it is time for both of us to move on. We’ve been fighting and trying and it just hasn’t worked. I’ve cheated on him multiple times and do I feel bad about that, of course but do I regret it, no. I’m not defined by my past actions and some people may hate me for the things that I have done to them but as my mother said, “It is what it is.” Is that insensitive of me? Possibly but I know some of the decisions I have made in life have not been the best but I have no reason to dwell on them or regret. What good would that do since I can’t replay those events? I’ve had my share of the karmic cycle coming to play games with my emotions because of these actions so trust I recognize real. Despite all of these things I still get excited about love and what it can bring.

Same ole laundry

A lot has happened the past couple of months and I can't help being thankful that it is a new year. Last year ended on a eh note. My ex and I have been in this complicated relationship situation where I want to be single but we still act like we are together. Time and time again we have rehashed the same issues and had the same conversation without anything changing so I made the decision to move on but he didn't. So, us still being around each other all the time was not and is not healthy. Tonight that all came to a head. He decided I could not be in his life at all if he was to be over me which totally makes sense but he can't be without me. He doesn't want to leave when I need him and I'm thankful for that but I don't want him to be miserable because of me, which is the case. I've hurt him a lot in the past by the decisions I have made, bad decisions as he calls them, but I don't see them that way. He figures guys just use me until something better comes along. I don't think that because hell I used them. I've only fallen in love with one of them and trust I know that was a mistake but I don't regret it. I welcome mistakes and failures because it helps me know what I need and don't need. If you are not good for me believe you will not be in my life. 2011 is the year of greatness for many people myself included. I am fresh out of time for foolish behavior. The truth prevails on all occasions so keep it real and always come correct. Forgot about that scary stuff and just do you. No more excuses for bad behavior and bad people. I could keep listing but you already know what it is. Being a better person comes in due time and there is no time like the present.

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen part deux

The picture that is supposed to go along with this post is here: http://picasaweb.google.com/eclecticmusicmag

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen

This will be one of the most upbeat and uplifting blogs you will see me write. My day started off a little rough and I was a mix of emotions. At times I felt like an emotional wreck but then there were those moments I felt fine. Either way the day was just a mess. I ended up at Loyola around 4:30 sitting outside in smokers alley and it was the perfect atmosphere to write and get things down on paper. I proceed to start working on this idea, when all of a sudden the wind starts blowing just right and the sun was the right temperature on my face. I suddenly look off into the distance and see what seems like part of a rainbow but it couldn't be I say. I was wrong. I focus my eyes and follow the colors and see the faintest hint of a rainbow in an arch over the sun. I can't believe how beautiful it is and it touches me. We all have a tendency to have a fascination with rainbows but this felt like God was smiling at me, letting me know that everything will be okay. I couldn't help but smile and then chuckle to myself. I've been so wrapped up in how much love hurts and how I could never give my love to another person but this moment changes all of that. God was saying to me that you are worth it even if he thinks you are not. I have someone who does think I'm worth and always has. How could I even look anywhere else? I had to be reminded by a miracle in my eyes. Miracle in the sense that this rainbow was there for only a minute or two and I was the only one who noticed it. I captured it in my thoughts, in my words, in a picture to share with the rest of you. Believe in miracles and expect them to happen. Expect the unexpected. All those things people tell you to do, the universe reminds you in some way everyday. You just have to be willing to take notice and embrace it and it can take you to places you never expected. Am I still angry about him? You damn straight but not because of being in love. Am I still lost a little? Of course but you have to be lost to find exactly what you need. There is a reason why September is my favorite month, even though it brings with it hell, it reminds me of things I've lost sight of. Such as how important friendships are and how love hurts. How people will disappoint the hell out of you but at the same time surprise you. I've said that my life is making its way to perfection and I mean every word. My life has had its ups and downs but this year has brought me closer to my goals than ever before. So I don't mind the pain and hurt because it causes for the smallest things to bring you right back where you need to be.

Is this dirty or clean?

I feel weird in the sense that I'm over it but I'm not. Over you because I have to be, need to be. Over you because it is about time to be but I miss you as my friend and just want that back but then I think too much and fall back. Love has me twisted and I can't get straight. Thinking when you say I love you it means you are in love because yeah we are or rather we once were. But now you are acting funny and playing games which can only mean one of two things. Really it can only mean one thing that you just aren't that into me and you never were. Going along with things because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of writing about this and thinking about this. I know y'all are tired of reading about this, so I'm trying to make this it. The last time I mention it. I'm not even hurt anymore just sad that I don't have my friend. I'm tired and can't keep rehashing this is the end or the beginning of something new. Hopefully it is not the last time I talk to you.