Get Out, My Dirty Laundry

Throw it away

2011-04-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm a little upset but I shouldn't be. I've come to a conclusion, I'm over talking to guys at the moment. I'm taking a hiatus because too many things have been happening recently to make me ~~despise~~ not like guys. I like people who are truthful and I've been running into too many who like to give off a certain impression about things and it be the furthest thing from the truth. I'm over it. I'm throwing all of this laundry away and starting fresh. Some laundry is good for one wear only and then you throw it away.

Rinse and Repeat

2011-04-01T00:22:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was interesting to say the least. I got dumped by Facebook well sort of kind of not really. I got a huge self-esteem boost from all the random people on the streets of New Orleans and I got some reassurance from friends that I should keep writing. I also had one of the most amazing Monday nights of my life and now I'm not sure what to do about it or rather how to handle it.
Concerning this past weekend, Thursday I drank myself silly with friends from out of town which turned into Friday where I puked my guts out all day. After I finally stopped the puke parade, I went on a movie date with a good friend where we proceeded to realize that the happy express we were on just got derailed and we are on the verge of dying. Somehow the weekend revived me and now I'm back on the happy train (while writing this I just got kicked off. Living the writer lifestyle is not okay. Well, it is but you know.) Saturday started out blah but then I got drinks and food with some good friends that reminded me why I love this city so much and why God told me that New Orleans is where I was meant to be. While basking in these happy thoughts, I happen to check Facebook and get a kick in the stomach by seeing or at least what seems like me getting told that that guy you were talking to is now in a relationship with someone. Ohh, burn. Totally hurt my feelings but then I proceeded to participate in cloudlife and the sting kind of went away. I also received a text from someone that I didn't expect. He invites me out and I learned that he was kind of feeling me, in which, made the night ten times better because I was kind of feeling him too. Besides that, I got complimented A LOT. A girl loves nothing more than to be complimented but some of the things these guys were saying was just off the wall and unacceptable. Especially, the guy who called me a gazelle and then referred to himself as a cougar hunting a mouse and instead found a gazelle. Yeah, the fact that that reference was in relation to sex was even creepier but probably not as bad as the guy that pulled along side me while I was walking and told me to get in. Excuse me sir, but I don't know you. Though that could of been an amazing sexual encounter that ish was just way beyond creepy.
This leads me to Monday night in which my encounter was amazing and the person who I thought was cute became uber sexy. I, for one, do not believe in casual sex and one night stands and neither of those things happened but that brings to mind all the things in between. The make out sessions and heavy petting that leads to other things. I'm not quite sure how I feel about these things. I'm into relationship sex and heavy petting and making out. I want it to have a deeper meaning than either one of us just getting our rocks off. It makes me realize I've been out of the game for way too long. My encounter on Monday with sexy guy literally blew my mind more so because of how connected it felt. Our fingers intertwining and the feel of his fingers on my skin was so sensual. It seemed like I was the only woman in the world that he wanted to be with. There was just this crazy amount of energy between us that I have never felt before. I liked it and want it to happen again on a regular basis. Will it? I don't know. I think he knows how I feel about the situation and if he doesn't he soon will. Oh and did I mention, the kissing was amazing? Even if he did ask to kiss me. I like guys to be forward and take it so to speak. If the oppourtunity is there, then it should be taken.
At the end of the day, I can say that things are on the up and up I guess. After Saturday, I realized that my trust and faith in people was dying and I still believe it is. Did sexy guy slightly change that? Yes and no. I guess I still have a problem with trusting myself and what I feel. I always have that feeling of being lied to by everyone just to be nice. I can't be with anyone until I'm over that but I think if things progress the way I would like them to with sexy guy then I could be over it. Hmm. We will see what happens but until then I'll rinse and repeat until I get it right.

New Makes for Clean Laundry

2011-02-03T01:28:00.000-06:00

So the past couple of days have been kind of interesting for me. I've been thinking about my year so far, and I have realized that a lot of older men have expressed interest in me and I'm a little taken back by it. I'm not saying it is a bad thing but it catches me off guard. I like older men but I question whether or not a man who is 15 years my senior is a good fit for me. I think so. I just met this man who I'm really taken with and I'm unsure why. When I first met him I didn't even feel him in that way but the way he engaged me caught me off guard. It intrigued me, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, he is very attractive but I didn't notice his attractiveness at first. He just seemed like a nice guy to talk to and not to mention he was very observant. I like when a man is observant. He classified me as a person who likes form and function, in which, I never thought of myself like that but it does make sense. It makes me wonder if he is the right form and function for me. Now, I don't know him nor does he know me but he makes me feel like a high school girl every time I talk to him or think about him. I probably shouldn't put that in writing but eh. I mean, I get extra giddy and smiley, and I don't know how to handle it. We haven't even been on a date yet and I'm not even sure one will happen, though I hope it does. I also met another guy last night who told me he liked my swag and the way I carried myself. He also said, I was dressed like a woman is supposed to be dressed and that because of my demeanor I attracted quality men. I chuckled. It was cute though the use of the word swag is played out. I appreciated him saying those things because recently I've been having issues with the way I look. I know that I am an attractive person but sometimes, which has been a lot recently, I feel unattractive when I'm out. I'm not really one to be extremely girly and I feel like guys just kind of look past me. There were girls last night dressed in flattering clothing and heels with guys all around and it bothered me a bit. It made me feel unattractive because I had on a turtleneck sweater and jeans. I'm not looking for anyone to constantly tell me that I'm beautiful, I've heard that plenty of times and sometimes those words mean nothing when coming out of some peoples mouths but I digress. I'm not looking for people to comment and say I'm attractive, I know that already. I want someone to show me because words can only go so far but actions speak louder, much louder. I also learned a long time ago that the way you dress does not necessarily have a direct correlation to men being attracted to you. Most females feel the need to dress slutty in order to feel sexy but sexy is not in the way you dress but in the way you carry yourself. Years ago I learned that when I went out in a black sweater and white pants with boots. I literally had almost every inch of my body covered and I got complimented more that night than any other night I had been out. Ever since that night, seeing me in something short or uber revealing does not happen that often. I guess I've grown a lot as a person, a lot more than I realized. For instance, my friends and I have recently been talking about dating people and relationships and we have all agreed upon one thing, everybody has a problem or problems and it has to be decided whether or not we want to deal with that problem. I'm going to go ahead and put my problems out there. For one, I have trust issues but I'm getting better with that. I'm also a jealous person but that comes and goes and usually I'll hide that ish before I say anything about it, which is not good but eh, I'm working on it. I probably have some other ones but those are the big ones. I've also learned to say what it is that I want, well I've actually always done that especially when it comes to males. Time is too short to be afraid to tell a guy that you like him. Too many people are afraid of rejection but at some point it is going to happen so why not embrace it and kick rejections ass. Sometimes I have a tendency to be a little forward when it comes to matters of the heart but that's because I get excited about the prospect of intimacy. And by intimacy, I mean on more than a physical level but an mental and emotional level. Either way, I'm pretty happy with where things are progressing in my life. In a few weeks, I hope to have good news about a certain someone who has recently entered my life and I'm working on loving me no matter what.

True Love Never Washes Away

2011-01-24T01:15:00.000-06:00

So I receive emails from Hugh McLeod who does gapingvoid and the artwork of the day is a heart with the words we made it! He proceeds to explain about the difference between romantic love and true love and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’ve being living my life okay with romantic love and wanting that, but true love is what I need. I’ve experienced true love once before where you just wake up one day and realize I’m in love with my best friend. That feeling still persist to this day but the guy and me are no longer together. Will we end up together, maybe. I’m more of the school of whatever happens,happens.
Since we are on the topic of love, I’m finally going through the break up for real this time. The guy I’ve been dating off and on for the past 5 years is finally going to be out of my life. Am I sad about it? Extremely, especially because I’m letting him keep the cats but it is time for both of us to move on. We’ve been fighting and trying and it just hasn’t worked. I’ve cheated on him multiple times and do I feel bad about that, of course but do I regret it, no. I’m not defined by my past actions and some people may hate me for the things that I have done to them but as my mother said, “It is what it is.” Is that insensitive of me? Possibly but I know some of the decisions I have made in life have not been the best but I have no reason to dwell on them or regret. What good would that do since I can’t replay those events? I’ve had my share of the karmic cycle coming to play games with my emotions because of these actions so trust I recognize real. Despite all of these things I still get excited about love and what it can bring.

Same ole laundry

2011-01-04T05:28:00.001-06:00

A lot has happened the past couple of months and I can't help being thankful that it is a new year. Last year ended on a eh note. My ex and I have been in this complicated relationship situation where I want to be single but we still act like we are together. Time and time again we have rehashed the same issues and had the same conversation without anything changing so I made the decision to move on but he didn't. So, us still being around each other all the time was not and is not healthy. Tonight that all came to a head. He decided I could not be in his life at all if he was to be over me which totally makes sense but he can't be without me. He doesn't want to leave when I need him and I'm thankful for that but I don't want him to be miserable because of me, which is the case. I've hurt him a lot in the past by the decisions I have made, bad decisions as he calls them, but I don't see them that way. He figures guys just use me until something better comes along. I don't think that because hell I used them. I've only fallen in love with one of them and trust I know that was a mistake but I don't regret it. I welcome mistakes and failures because it helps me know what I need and don't need. If you are not good for me believe you will not be in my life. 2011 is the year of greatness for many people myself included. I am fresh out of time for foolish behavior. The truth prevails on all occasions so keep it real and always come correct. Forgot about that scary stuff and just do you. No more excuses for bad behavior and bad people. I could keep listing but you already know what it is. Being a better person comes in due time and there is no time like the present.

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen part deux

2010-09-08T03:57:00.000-05:00

The picture that is supposed to go along with this post is here: http://picasaweb.google.com/eclecticmusicmag

The cleanest laundry I've ever seen

2010-09-08T03:31:00.001-05:00

This will be one of the most upbeat and uplifting blogs you will see me write. My day started off a little rough and I was a mix of emotions. At times I felt like an emotional wreck but then there were those moments I felt fine. Either way the day was just a mess. I ended up at Loyola around 4:30 sitting outside in smokers alley and it was the perfect atmosphere to write and get things down on paper. I proceed to start working on this idea, when all of a sudden the wind starts blowing just right and the sun was the right temperature on my face. I suddenly look off into the distance and see what seems like part of a rainbow but it couldn't be I say. I was wrong. I focus my eyes and follow the colors and see the faintest hint of a rainbow in an arch over the sun. I can't believe how beautiful it is and it touches me. We all have a tendency to have a fascination with rainbows but this felt like God was smiling at me, letting me know that everything will be okay. I couldn't help but smile and then chuckle to myself. I've been so wrapped up in how much love hurts and how I could never give my love to another person but this moment changes all of that. God was saying to me that you are worth it even if he thinks you are not. I have someone who does think I'm worth and always has. How could I even look anywhere else? I had to be reminded by a miracle in my eyes. Miracle in the sense that this rainbow was there for only a minute or two and I was the only one who noticed it. I captured it in my thoughts, in my words, in a picture to share with the rest of you. Believe in miracles and expect them to happen. Expect the unexpected. All those things people tell you to do, the universe reminds you in some way everyday. You just have to be willing to take notice and embrace it and it can take you to places you never expected. Am I still angry about him? You damn straight but not because of being in love. Am I still lost a little? Of course but you have to be lost to find exactly what you need. There is a reason why September is my favorite month, even though it brings with it hell, it reminds me of things I've lost sight of. Such as how important friendships are and how love hurts. How people will disappoint the hell out of you but at the same time surprise you. I've said that my life is making its way to perfection and I mean every word. My life has had its ups and downs but this year has brought me closer to my goals than ever before. So I don't mind the pain and hurt because it causes for the smallest things to bring you right back where you need to be.

Is this dirty or clean?

2010-09-05T21:56:00.000-05:00

I feel weird in the sense that I'm over it but I'm not. Over you because I have to be, need to be. Over you because it is about time to be but I miss you as my friend and just want that back but then I think too much and fall back. Love has me twisted and I can't get straight. Thinking when you say I love you it means you are in love because yeah we are or rather we once were. But now you are acting funny and playing games which can only mean one of two things. Really it can only mean one thing that you just aren't that into me and you never were. Going along with things because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. I'm tired of writing about this and thinking about this. I know y'all are tired of reading about this, so I'm trying to make this it. The last time I mention it. I'm not even hurt anymore just sad that I don't have my friend. I'm tired and can't keep rehashing this is the end or the beginning of something new. Hopefully it is not the last time I talk to you.

Can laundry be leftover?

2010-09-04T05:06:00.001-05:00

September is my favorite month because it is that month of change. These first three days have been out of control though but I realized it is just residual energy from August. I can't get down about things that I know have a positive ending. Yeah maybe he has to go see about a girl but you know what he can. Hell I can go see about a boy. Surprisingly I am not mad just hurt because we can't talk about stuff. That's the point of being friends right is to tell each other stuff but my whole problem with that is the fact that he wants me to be there. To be with him and Roux but I can't have an answer to a simple question. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that I'm questioning the things he has already told me time and time again. Either way I can never leave him alone as much as I want to and I don't believe he wants me to leave him alone. I might for a little while though to see if I can handle it but I doubt it. At the end of the day I am happy and can't let these three days affect the outcome of September and plus I have a trip to New York to plan.

Shit just got dirty

2010-09-02T23:22:00.001-05:00

At the end of the day I'm the best you ever had. I fuck you so good and hell my head game is beyond tight. You miss this softness in between your dick. You love it when I ride you like a pogo stick. I already know what this is and hell if you were a damn freak in the bed we would already spell marriage because it's my face you see when you fucking in these streets and no one will ever come close to what I can do. Let me know, is she worth it to you?

One more damn piece of laundry

2010-09-02T21:21:00.000-05:00

Silence is golden they say but in this instance it cuts like a knife. Harder to say what is real and hurt my feelings the right way instead of leading me down a road that I don't want to be on. My mind is replaying conversations where it seemed the love was real where we were together but not. Played myself again. Backed myself into a corner. Slowly, quietly I mourn for something I never really got. This isn't about you but about me. I am in pain because I let you get to me. I should of trusted how I felt ignored your advances and been by myself. Now, I'm stuck in love with you wanting it to be no more. To be as cold and heartless as you are. Who am I kidding? I'm just mad as hell but I know karma is putting me in jail.

CRM laundry

2010-09-02T18:24:00.000-05:00

I've come a long way to go back to this now. I've been through this before but it seems harder this time around. Maybe its because deep down I know you feel like I do but you just have a better way of hiding it. I used to be like that but when it comes to you all that goes out the window. I feel lost in your embrace, your eyes, you lost in my legs and my thighs. We are intertwined more than we thought. Closer together in our souls than ever expected. Maybe I'm just kidding myself and seeing things and feeling feelings that aren't really there. Our relationship has never been defined. We have never had that dialogue that is needed to keep this from happening. Now I'm lost in this world wondering if what I'm feeling is right and if at the end of the night it's me that you think of, holding me tight. Tell me for once am I the one? You told me before that I was worth it but I think you forgot. Come back to me and remember so I will always have you no matter the reason or season. I know this is getting old but I have to get it out because I can't tell you how I really feel until I know that what you told me once is real. You fear the unknown and what we are. You fear knowing that you have my heart a lot deeper and stronger than I have yours or maybe it's my fear that is holding you back. Ugh, I'm done rehashing all these old thoughts and facts. Fuck it you love me you told me that. So what's so hard about everything else? Forget the distance, forget the pain, forget the calls, forget the texts all you need to do is remember everything else. That feeling you felt when we were together. How we seemed to melt when around each other. You've always been bad at expressing your feelings but this time you need to let me know so I can finally be with you or let you go.

Spinning Spinning Out of Control

2010-08-30T19:31:00.000-05:00

I'm spinning out of control not sure how to regain what I've lost. Every time I'm okay something makes me feel lost. Things never go according to plan but you know I wouldn't want it any other way. My life has been nothing but unplanned incidences. My love for the one who doesn't want me but leads me on because he can. To the one who was mine but not anymore makes me feel like I've lost the only person who ever truly loved me. To feeling so close yet so far away from those things that mean the most to me. I'm just having a down kind of day. Maybe it's the rain or maybe it's my pain or maybe I'm just complaining for no reason. Honestly I know my heart and my place but just need to clear out this depressing crap in my mental space.

Spin Cycle

2010-08-23T01:23:00.001-05:00

Is it bad for me to still want you and yearn for you? to still see a future burning bright together? People saying we are meant to be together. I thought this would be easy but things never are. I want you and I have to pretend that I don't. To act like I'm fine with us being what we are. Maybe it's okay for you or maybe you feel my hurt but you know what? That's a joke. You don't and won't ever get how I feel. Can never understand that what I'm feeling is deeper than real. My thoughts and movements are synchronized steps just to help me fake what's real and to cope. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly know. To stop feeling that everything we had was fake that it was more of let them eat cake. Maybe I just need to stop overthinking. Get over you and over this feeling. Hell, I need to get back to just living and doing what I do best. Running from everything because it is too scary to face. Or maybe I need you to help me run my last race?

Let it burn

2010-08-20T21:28:00.001-05:00

The answers that I searched so long to hear have been said but still doubts are playing in my head. Was the love ever there or you just liked the sound of the words forever? We can still be friends and have fun but if that was what you wanted why not say it from the beginning? You played me and now I'm still in limbo. Wanting you but needing something else or maybe you are exactly what I need. You feed my soul and make my heart bleed. Rip my tongue out and shove it down your throat. We fuck so hard it burns like gas to a flame. Everything about you hurts, causes pain but I want to feel that feeling again and again. It makes me feel alive but weak makes me know I need you here to keep this heart beat.

Old laundry, new laundry; always the same.

2010-08-19T01:44:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can be a little needy well more than a little. I'm a little high maintenance and a little bit of a pain. I nag too much and have a tendency to complain but if you can deal with all that then I know that I've found my man. Maybe I'm a little bit crazy and overemotional but I do it not because I want to. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I lose you but it's just me pushing you away because I'm afraid of commitment. Can't stand the idea of being with someone for so long but then I fall in love and want to stay that way forever. However, the pain comes back because he didn't understand or wouldn't or couldn't. He just didn't get me didn't want to see past all those imperfections and love me imperfectly. I blame myself when really it's not about me. It has nor will it ever be about my happiness, no it should be about our happiness. When together we can take on the world and hell we did it but it was only for a moment, a quick fleeting minute. You ran and never looked back. Never wanted me to keep up or keep track. Instead you left me behind wondering where you went and I'm wondering still will you ever look back, try and come and get me to lead me with you instead of leaving me in the distance. Come back to me just for a second so I can see what it feels like to leave you cold and broken and used. To say I love you and make you look like a fool. To run away without giving any answers and leaving you bruised and asking why? Will that make anything right? No, but it will make me feel a hell of a lot better. To make you understand what it means to have a broken heart and wonder if you can ever be okay to love again completely without feeling like running away. To love so deeply that you feel their soul. To understand that it isn't about two separate beings but us as one. To understand the true meaning of what it means to be in love.

Can laundry get any cleaner?

2010-08-12T06:41:00.000-05:00

You make me feel brand new and make me want to be a better person. I've never felt that before and I can honestly say that I want and need this feeling all the time. I've never been more focused or my mind more clear. Ever since you came into my life all the things I thought I couldn't do I feel the strength, the need, the urge to do it all. That's why I love you. Where have you been all this time to encourage me to do what I love because I see you doing what you love? The focus and determination in my man is breathtaking and awe inspiring. We are just getting started but our future burns brighter together because we grow,learn,and yearn together. He has made the clutter of the past fade like the scars of old. He cleanses my being and reinvigorates me soul. Now I'm a new woman. Can you say the same? Have you found that man who makes everything seem like a beautiful day after the storm has passed? Make the pain melt away forever, no longer looking into that hourglass but wanting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years to past so slowly so you can take it all in, to never feel like this moment can end because it is always the start of forever when you are with him.

New laundry or is it old laundry dressed up?

2010-08-12T01:27:00.000-05:00

I feel a sense of longing I have not felt in awhile. I am in love it seems like for the first time. Everything about him makes me smile and melt. Infatuated? Probably but I don't care because it is him that I want. Though I want him there are some old feelings floating around from the past. He reminds me why we should be together but I know in my heart I can't. I feel confused and unsure. So full of anxiety that sleep does not come to me but instead tossing and turning from one heart to the other. Am I in love with two? No. I love only one but I'm scared of what that will bring me. Can I really be happy with someone completely? I know I love him at his worst cause I've seen it, lived it, and every time I wanted to walk away I could never leave him alone because I know I wouldn't want someone to leave me alone at my worst. He is everything to me or at least that's how I feel. I pray about it to find the right answer. Stay with the one who has been there through the years. Who knows every part of me and gets me or should I go with the one where we grow together as one. We learn each other at the same time and love each other more everyday because being without each other we can't breathe. We encourage each other to do what we love and the sex is mind blowing every time. He is my drug, my everlasting high but I wonder does he really feel this way about me? Where is the proof? The proof is in how he holds me, how he loves me when I have a bad day, and how he does what he can to make everything alright but wait, am I talking about him or him, his heart or his heart? Where it ends and where it starts is the hard part. I've made up my mind or rather my heart has made up its mind but it's his heart that needs to be made up. It longs to touch me, hold me, kiss me, caress me but can it ever have what it really wants?

Old laundry

2010-04-21T02:45:00.001-05:00

The lies that are told to keep the status quo are becoming old. I have to find a way to let you go because the pain is becoming too much. The thought of you being with someone else overwhelms me and I am suddenly consumed with fear. You can never leave my side nor can I ever leave yours. We have been intertwined since the day we met and well, I just can't let that go yet but maybe just maybe I should.

New Beginnings

2010-03-03T19:54:00.001-06:00

I've been slacking on my blog game but I haven't had that feeling to write nor express myself. I have lost my focus and I need to get it back. I tried to follow the teachings of The Secret but that fell through. I'm trying to get my way back there but it's hard. Feeling disappointed and discouraged doesn't help the situation but I'm trying to be more positive. Also, procrastinating less which has been a difficult but also rewarding experience. The more I do it the less I want to procrastinate. Procrastination is the death of all my brillant ideas. I need to learn execution and I can be very successful. The next blog will focus more on my story ideas and accomplishing all the things I want. Until next time, keep up on your laundry.

It's been a long time coming

2009-12-26T22:13:00.000-06:00

But you know change is going to come. I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and especially these last couple of weeks. I feel my heart breaking it seems every day. It seems I'm back to that feeling where you want someone so bad but sadly they don't want you. All you can think of is why? Then you try and make yourself feel better by saying oh it will pass in time, he'll come back to me, he loves me, he can never let me go. But then it really starts to sink in. What if it is really over and there is no going back? There is no way to show how much you have changed and grown as a person? They don't want you and you know it but there is just something that won't let you let it go. You know it's different in every fiber of your being. From the way he never says I love you, well, he does but only after you have said it. He hesitates and those moments when he looks into your eyes and you know he wants to say I love you but something holds him back. Those moments hurt the most, knowing that you can and want to say i love you but you won't. Change is good I know but not at the expense of being this hurt or feeling this alone. I'm happy by myself without a doubt, that is never a question but when you feel a person makes your day that much brighter and better is when you know you need them more than want. I know all these feelings will pass and I will be okay. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but either way I'm yours forever. Maybe not either way. I want you all of you not just part if I can't have that then maybe we are better off just being apart.

This Is Only A Moment

2009-10-19T03:17:00.003-05:00

This is only a moment, a fleeting passing moment of many that will happen in our life. I must remember this is only a moment that won't be remembered but forgotten. The moments that we all forgot when another moment seems to take over our thoughts. Remember, it's just another moment. The moment when we looked into each others eyes and found happiness not there a moment before. The moment when we had that fight and hated each other. That moment where we forgot why we weren't talking and started again as though nothing had happened. That moment when you knew these people were your friends for life. The moment when God told you this isn't right. The moment when you had to let it all go to find what you needed and not what you wanted. The moment when everyone took you seriously and believed in what you could do. The moment when you started to believe in yourself and not what other people thought you could do. I can continue to name moments that we have all been through but the point is to remember that this moment will pass. The bad things that happen along with the good make up the rest of your life but it isn't the rest of your life. These moments ease the pain and make you cry but in the end you will feel better at night. Remember these moments but forget them too, because dwelling on moments will make you feel blue. These moments come and go so fast but these moments will never last. In the end, when we look back, most of these moments you won't even be able to recall because these moments are nothing at all.

The Loads Get Lighter

2009-10-17T23:35:00.002-05:00

Today was probably worse than the last because I realized how I feel is how I felt in 2005. That feeling of letting you know how I felt then you always giving that same answer and leaving me hurt time and time again. Last time it took me 2 years to stop letting you hurt me but this time it won't be as long. I know where we are and I know it's not over yet, not saying it is but I can't wait and won't wait forever. I'm so clouded by the pain that I can't see what I need to think about and evaluate or else we will be right back here, hurting. We've been in love from the start always will be and face it you are happy with me. Don't be afraid to ask me those questions that you seek. I will be truthful only let the truth speak. When I write the pain is gone and I feel like me but then the day comes and the face I see, it isn't me. I now understand the pain you felt and I know how you dealt with it. You let work be your guide and help you through but you still came back to me no matter what I put you through. I just ask you give me that chance to ask for you back. Don't you hate when all signs lead back to what you thought was wrong and then you find it must be right. Why don't we just go ahead and do it just let ourselves go and find peace in each other; rather than being all alone wondering if this will be a regret, another page in a book. Come on take that chance cause that's what I did with you and found love and happiness where I thought there could be none. It's always you around the corner and I am always there holding your hand.

Oh Laundry Day, How I Dread Thee

2009-10-17T02:03:00.002-05:00

I have so many dirty clothes it's about time to get them clean. I am going through one of the roughest times I've ever had in my life. I promise I cry everyday but not for the reason you think. Yes, I feel so alone but I'm sad because I've lost so much and gained so little. The person I love the most left me; well, it's complicated. We broke up for like 2 weeks and then got back together and everything was fine. I thought we were happy but then we got into this huge fight and everything changed after that. He started acting distant but he didn't talk to me about it, he just thought it was good idea to let me continue to think we were back together considering we both talked about it and agreed we were back together. Obviously, I was mistaken instead we were "just acting" like we were back together. Do you know how much that hurt that you would think that you can't even be truthful with me about something this important. You say you love me and I am one of the most important people in your life yet you can't even let me know when you feel different. I can't read minds or moods. I've always been open about how I feel. From the very first time we met I always told you I liked you and you gave me that same response. After 2 years I was done. I couldn't do it anymore but like always better late then never. You realized what you wanted the moment I was over you but it seems like that's always the case. Our minds and feelings are never as one. When I am so in love and happy with you, you are not with me but the moment you are happy I'm miserable it seems. Why can't we ever be on the same page? I love you now more than ever and you seem to love me less. Maybe it's just too many people telling you what you should do instead of you listening to your heart or maybe it's karma catching up with me. There are way too many reasons why our relationship hasn't worked in the past and it's because we both can't get past the issues that we have with each other. The moment we forgive each other for all past aggressions and move forward instead of always looking back, we will be where we need to be, where we should be. Our fate depends on it. I called it from the start that you would be the one that I marry but we are so far away from that. Life without you seems meaningless or maybe just a little unbearable. No matter what happens I love you and I am trying to be better but I know why I can't love you right now, why we never work. I have lost myself and I haven't found my way back. I am no longer the woman you fell in love with. You've taken care of me for so long and I want that to end. The moment I can be by myself and take care of myself will be when our relationship will be like the beginning. I do question though why we think that our relationship has failed when in all actuality the beginning of a relationship is all we know. When anyone ever writes or talks of love they always remember the beginning but the moment that the infatuation passes, we all get lost because no one ever seems to get that far to write about it, to immortalize it in writing, in words, in song. We must look past the beginning and find our way through the middle and not question whether it is right or wrong because who really knows if it's right or wrong. We can't let other people dictate how we feel or how our relationship should be. We should never compare our love to others because we all love different. When you are in love you know it but anyone can convince themselves they are in love but it's the moment that love subsides that we have to find out if we are just too intertwined to ever see ourselves apart.

How much I hate laundry day

2009-08-10T00:58:00.002-05:00

Today is the day that I get this off my chest. I can no longer stand to have these feelings inside of me. I long to be able to talk with you and not feel like a fool. I risked everything for you but you felt the need to risk nothing. I was nothing more than a pawn in your love game. I see now how foolish I was. To think, you loved me, well, actually, I know you did just you didn't love me enough or maybe you did but I broke your heart. Now, I have to sit here with the pain in my heart just as you once did. I feel so alone on most days because you are not here beside me. Forgive me for what I have done maybe one day we can right this wrong but now is not the time. I've come to terms with everything but it does not dull the pain. It increases with each day but then subsides. There are days I wish to drown my sorrows in alcohol or with drugs but those days are long past. I never really drowned my sorrows in drugs or alcohol but only with more pain did the aching in my heart slow to but a slight ache only to be enflamed by your face. Soon enough those days will be gone when the pain no longer reaches me because my heart has turned to stone from all of the times that I've been done wrong or rather chose wrong. I have lost many loves in the past but none as hard as this or rather it's been years since I've felt this pain but no longer can I let you have control of me or my heart. It belongs to another and always has even if I never wanted to admit it to myself or to you. It's been months since we last spoke but I still feel your spirit inside of me longing to be free and reconnect with you so we can again be as one. You wait this long to reconnect, to call my name in longing, to be with me once more but no longer can we be. You have hurt me too many times before and I come back begging for more thinking that you would never hurt me again but I am always fooled. You want me to be what she is not and I used to want you for what he could not be but this can be no longer you see. Things start to fall in line and time starts to unwind and I am back swirling in your arms and head feeling you next to me. Those eyes that only see me in a crowded room. Time begins to loom then everything turns to black no longer feeling the need to look back but look forward to what is my life without. I am forever in your debt for letting me see what I need to be okay with him and love him with all of me instead of just part of me. That part used to be reserved for you but you must realize we never loved each other in whole but only in part because our hearts were never one merely two always drifting apart.

Doing the Laundry

2009-06-20T22:46:00.002-05:00

I've been neglecting you but now is the time to do some laundry and get some things clean and out in the open. I have a secret to tell and my oh my is it a big one. Well, you know what? It isn't really. I've been through the ups and downs of life and I'm trying hard to focus on the positive. To try and find my calling and my meaning in life. I also have been thinking about sex less and less and we all know that that is a miracle because when I sex, the masses know. I can't even formalize a picture of me having sex. Instead I think of late night phone calls and days at the lake. The weather perfect and that smell in the air that let me know that it was more than a fling but love. I get that feeling all the time when I see you,smell you,feel a slight brush of your skin on mine. I hear it in your voice even though we can not be together because we both know it is wrong or is it? We have options of leaving each other for the "loves of our life's" but we already know that we hate each other and that we wouldn't want it any other way. We can't stand the sight of each other or the memories that get replayed. Can't stand the nights together and the first we had. Can't stand that everyone thinks that I'm your girl and you are my man. We are the past and forever will be. The future is not ours together but separate no matter how much the hate grows. We hate so much that it overflows and in the end, that is all that matters even if we can and never will be together.

I've Caught Up on My Laundry;Have You?

2008-11-12T01:05:00.002-06:00

So, I've been away for awhile but I've been trying to get my love life together. It worked. My fiance and I are going strong. I came to the conclusion that there is no other person in this world I would rather be with than him. He's been with me through so much and he makes me happy when I let him make me happy. It was just a matter of me opening my heart and letting him back in. Our wedding is in two years and getting excited to plan the wedding. I just hope I don't become a bridezilla in the process because I do have a temper. Other than that my life has been eh okay. I got layed off from my job but it's not as bad as you think. I've come to realize everything happens for a reason. Maybe it means it's time for me to sit down and finish writing my books that I have been working on for the past couple of months. I need to be focused and dedicated in which I am but I'm not. I tell myself that I have writer's block but does writer's block actually exist or is it your mind playing tricks on you, discouraging you from the task at hand? The thing is to stay focused which is hard for me because I am in no way linear and my mind wanders easily. I come to find that this makes writing a novel difficult because first I feel that I have to write in order but I know that I don't. Second, I get distracted and Third, I want everything to flow and make sense the first time around which never happens when you are writing a book. I have so many preconceived notions in my head of how a book should be written and I instead need to focus on just writing, not about how it is done but just do it.

Clean clothes that can't be put away

2008-10-24T00:18:00.002-05:00

So it's Thursday night and I'm at home. I usually go out to the club to go see my bouncer and have a good time out with friends. Tonight, everything is amiss. I'm engaged and don't know if I want to be. I am in love but not sure I want to be. I don't want anyone else but the feeling of being surpressed is all around me. I can't breathe and it's getting worse and worse. I think I am in need of a change and fast. It seems everything is going down the same path that I wanted to leave in the past. I don't want to hurt anyone not even myself because I know with whatever decision I make I will. Someone save me from this mundane life of mine. I need excitement and change. Stop!!!! Before I made my decision there were too many signs that pointed to this engagement. The random guy saying he would marry me to the guy saying congrats on the engagement. There were just too many signs pointing to the obvious decision I needed to make. I'm happy but then I question is he right? Is he it? If he is then why can't I make myself want to be with him? Why can't I be turned on by him without my having to go without sex for a month? This isn't about you but it's about me. I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be the best thing for you because you are way too good to me. You love me despite my failure to love you the way I should. You compromise to keep me near but I can't compromise just to keep back the fear. I don't want to be rash but this could be our last chance. The more you are away the more I want to be free but want you near me. The more you are near the more I can't stand to have you here but the more I fear. My head spins from the back and forth but I can't make a decision not now, not tonight. I remember romantic nights with everyone I've been with but you. Where are our romantic nights and love making sessions? I made love to him but he did not make love back. I've made love to a random stranger and I could feel the connection but our connection has been interupted. Come back online maybe just one more time.

Dirty Dirty Clothes taking up space

2008-10-07T21:17:00.003-05:00

I am extremely in need and I want to give in. I want him more and more every time I see him or talk to him. I want him to sex me so hard I come like a river. I can't help but want him in my life everyday. I don't understand this feeling. I love him so much but I don't want him to touch me but in my mind all i can think about is him giving it to me so good. Why am I so confused? Can you help me stop the ruse. If you didn't plead and beg would I let you in bed? If you could stop being a bitch would I let you touch my clit? If you would let me be in more control I would let you be my soul? If you just told me the truth would we be different and end the dance? I know what you want and that's me. Just let yourself be free with me because you already are. I know you want me in more way than one and the thing is that we have the sex but what about the rest? The relationship? Forget the girl that you are with because I'm better for you and your dick. I make you want to cheat that's why we can't be deeper than what we are. You want all of me but the sex is the only thing that you can have so far. Or do we already have it all and I just have given the signal of acquittal? Jealousy is our foreplay and conversation is our sex but still what about the rest? I'm married to you, I feel it in my soul but is this right for us, do we make the perfect mold? We used to fit so good and you used to be my food but now you are nothing more than garbage, waste. Where's the happy ending we have been seeing? It's at the end of the hall that we can't reach because I'm in love with him and he in love with me but she is in love with he that is not him and him not in love with her but she. Maybe they need to understand the love of each other before they both can love we.

Too much laundry

2008-10-07T00:06:00.002-05:00

So I've been away for a minute and accumulated too much laundry. Let's start off with the fact that my ex boyfriend and I have been through way too many ups and downs lately. First off, there is a previous post where I told you he wasn't talking to me anymore. Well, that lasted about a week and then we talked it out and I told him all the things that I've done and we got back to a kewl place. I actually kind of fell in love with him again. Then my sister's wedding came around and everything changed. The whole time I was there I wanted to be getting married and it didn't help that my family already thought that my ex and I should get married and that I was going to be the next one to be married. I, however, start crushing on one of the groomsmen and that's when everything changed again. I suddenly didn't want to be tied down to one person but to be free to roam and do whatever I want. I get back and my entire attitude has changed. All of sudden I feel the same way towards him as I used to. That feeling of resentment and just all around being annoyed with him. So, the past couple of weeks have been quite stressful. They also have been some of the most amazing weeks ever or rather should I say interesting. At first my ex and I were just kewl with being friends and then he started to realize that he was too in love with me for that and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He asked me to marry him. I'm speechless. I for one can not come to a decision right now about marriage because of the mentality I have about relationships in general. It seems like he is pressuring me to come to a decision, not about marriage but our relationship in general. I can't wrap my mind around why I treat him the way I do. Maybe it's because of the past before we started dating. The taking advantage of how innocent I was and now I'm subconsciously letting those feelings play out in real life without realizing it. I resent him so much but that still doesn't mean I should treat him this way. I care about him and but right now making that big of a decision can not happen. I'm 23 and just trying to live life.
Another problem that arises is the one of sex. I've decided that I'm going to be celibate for awhile well at least we will see how long this lasts. I still am very much wanting my military man but he has a girl and it's starting to get complicated well not really. The thing is that military man and I enjoy each others company as well as we enjoy talking to each other. I mean when you get to the point where a conversation is better than having sex with someone then that tends to mean something. That could also cause problems. The thing is that military man likes me a lot more than he is willing to admit and it is quite obvious. From the fact he enjoys my company and wants to have relations with me to when I'm at the club he has the tendency to stare at me and watch what I'm doing(He's a bouncer as well if you were wondering). I actually think that we enjoy way too much making each other jealous but at the same time we have to act like we aren't because we just have sex with each other. It's actually quite amusing. Enough about him. I could just talk about him for hours. So the ex gets upset with the fact that I'm so kewl with having sex with another guy and doing things with this guy opposed to him. I get that I'm wrong for that I know. I just have a problem with having sex with my ex. I don't understand it because when we do have sex I do actually enjoy it. I guess I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to have control of the sex because he was in control of it for so long. I have a lot to think about and I can't come to a conclusion. Maybe that means I need a vacay pronto if only....

Finally no laundry...well....maybe

2008-09-12T03:48:00.002-05:00

I for once do not have any laundry to air or get clean. I've been on this being somewhat truthful kick which has the possibility to get me in trouble. I broke up with the boy and I'm happy about it. If you read my last post and other post of mine then you know how I feel about relationships and what not. If you haven't then I'll let you know that I really am not feeling relationships. I think the idea of being with one person right now is not right for me. I like the idea of having sex with whomever if I wanted too but that's not the case. I have the option to get sex on the regular from plenty of dudes but I'm addicted to one guy and one guy only at the moment (reference the post below). I know it seems I talk about sex a lot and guys a lot and I do because I'm very much boy crazy and very much into sex. Don't get me wrong, I do not just sleep with whomever, I mean sometimes shit happens but you know what I'm getting at. You know talking about sex brought a thought to my mind. So the idea of the friend with benefits and cut buddy is a very interesting topic of discussion. One of my new favorite blogs, singleblackmale.net talked about this topic some months ago and he was explaining the difference between a cut buddy and a friend with benefits. Obviously, I get the difference but what confuses me is that one person who isn't really a friend but seems more than a cut buddy. How is this possible? Well, let me give an example. I have a guy who puts it on a chick on the regular and mind you he don't know the chick that well so I would classify him as a cut buddy but then after sex he tends to have a conversation which throws me because if you are cut buddies then you need not know any personal information about each other besides are you clean. You about getting it in and that's about it. So, the conversation tends to be about significant others and family and birthdays and things that friends would talk about. However, they never have hung out in a setting that does not include a bed. Initially, when this guy and chick started talking it was as they were going to date each other but that quickly changed. So, I ask the question, is it that this guy feels bad just using chick for sex so he feels the need to be somewhat on the friend level even though it's not like they go out and have a cup of joe together or lunch? Or does this guy actually still kind of feel chick on another level but has reasons or circumstances that make that impossible?

Sexy Dirty Laundry

2008-09-10T01:33:00.003-05:00

So, I've been in sort of a slump lately when it comes to the attraction of men. I feel like I've been wearing repellent or something. Well, that's not entirely true. I can attract guys but the problem is that they are never my type. I also tend to have a few men in my Rolodex who are my type but they are only good for two things: sex and dinner. Mostly sex. I must say the idea of going without sex for even one day seems a little harsh to me. It's like I've become addicted to sex since the introduction to some good in my life. The one guy who has me begging for him to give it to me every minute of everyday is a military man who has a body that makes me melt and knows how to put it on me.
Sunday seemed like a dream nothing more than a mere fantasy. The mood was set perfect with candles burning and R. Kelly playing in the background. I walk in amazed at how he always knows what to do to make the night right. He leans against the wall and pulls me closer to him as he kisses my lips. He then moves his hands down to my pants and slowly unbuttons them while kissing me slowly. My mind is focused only on him. Not on the fact that I have boyfriend who loves me or on my ex who hates me but still loves me and paying for my apartment. I'm focused only on him with his beautiful eyes and sexy arms and amazing stomach. He's like an ice cream sundae on a hot summer day. He slowly leads me to the bed and that's when the real fun begins. His fingers run all down my body while my lips kiss every inch of his. Slowly I move down towards his penis and begin to pleasure him orally. His penis feels amazing in my mouth and I love how I make him moan. He cups my breast and starts to gently suck on them. We both seem to just melt into each other. Soon enough our bodies are so intertwined its like chocolate and vanilla swirl. The night seems to go on for hours but soon enough we climax together and we see the sun rise. The night ended too quickly and he had to be back to his post. On the drive back we have this amazing conversation. I always find it weird how much closer I feel to him after we've had sex when in all actuality we barely know each other. Sometimes I wish we were together but he's good for one thing well more than one thing but that's not what our relationship is meant to be. That's what makes the time between us special.
If only this was true. Can you tell me what's fact and what's fiction? I bet you can't. This is what I would like to happen between me and military man but like I said our relationship is not meant to be that way and that can be applied in more ways than one. He's still the best sex I've ever had but not because his stroke is necessarily the best but because he always makes every encounter very intimate. Not to mention he is living prove of some damn R. Kelly lyrics. So that makes every moment with him sexy dirty and you know you always have laundry after a night of debauchery and fun.

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Now playing: FeFe Dobson - Watch Me Move
via FoxyTunes

Brand New Laundry Old Dirt

2008-09-07T23:38:00.002-05:00

So, I've been a bad girl and getting dirty by things of the past. I really think I might kind of be addicted to something that I never in my life thought I would be. It's amazing what something good will do to you. I've also got some new laundry but in the process of getting it dirty already. I am in a relationship if you can call it that. I lost my best friend in the process who also happened to be my ex-boyfriend. I miss him more than I ever thought I would. 4 years thrown away because he couldn't handle me sleeping with someone else which I guess is understandable since he's still in love with me. I never meant to hurt him in anyway and I feel terrible. Everyday I think about him and my heart breaks all over again. I guess I love him more than I realize. It's like the Jazmine Sullivan song, "I Need You Bad." That amazes me but this is what he wanted so he can get over me and I can respect that. Now, this new guy is pretty amazing but I really don't want to be in a relationship. I know the only reason why I am with him is because he broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years to be with me. I, however, am at a point in my life where I only want to be by myself and date around. I don't want to be promiscuous or anything but the idea of being with one guy right now is stupid to me. I know that there is more than one man in this world who can please me and teach me things. I feel right now that every guy that I talk to is not for me. I could tell that before anything popped off and when you get to that point, it makes you feel in control of what happens with your love life as well as your sex life. I feel in more control now than ever before. I feel like my life is on the right track right now. I've just made the decision to take the semester off of school to focus on what I really want to do and do a little soul searching. I really feel at peace about all most everything in my life even though I may have to struggle and endure hard times. I'm still strong enough to do it and that's all that matters. There is no more making excuses about why I can't do this or that. I feel focused and soon enough everyone in the world will know my name and what I'm all about. I am destined to do big things and nothing is going to stop that.

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Now playing: New Kids On The Block - Single
via FoxyTunes

Detergent to clean the mind

2008-07-03T01:43:00.003-05:00

I feel like I needed to add a little something to the last blog that I posted. I feel as though some people may think that I've put too much faith into the idea of my tarot card reading and well I think that's not the case. It's just interesting to think about the situation and to honestly see if it was right. Sometimes I feel we are not that much in control of our lives as we think we are. I mean think about it, when we think of free will we think I have the power and will to do whatever I want. I thought so too but if you are religious and believe in God, is this really the case? Think about it, they say that God has our lives already planned out for us and that he knows our every move so does that mean that we actually have free will? That we've ever made a decision on our own? I don't know but that is something to think about. Sometimes I feel that I've studied religion so much that my faith is in question. This actually reminds me of The Colbert Report, I was watching it today on my phone and they had this guy on talking about intelligent design and he said the bible is a great religious telling but not a scientific telling. That one should not believe the bible as literal when it comes to certain aspects especially the one of creation. The idea that the bible is supposed to be scientific is not the case, it is just supposed to tell you how great God is and what he/she can do for you. This makes a lot more sense and leaves the mind something to ponder.

I've found some clean laundry

2008-06-26T03:19:00.002-05:00

So, I happened upon some clean laundry and I am quite happy about it. I was walking on Bourbon with my sister and best friend when we came across a tarot card and palm reader. My sister asks me if I want to do and I agree. I sit and shuffle the cards and sit back for the ride of a tarot card reading. There are bits and pieces of the reading that stand out and that is what I will share with you guys tonight. The first thing that is crazy and really unbelievable is that he said why do you keep manipulating your family? I couldn't believe my ears and neither could my sister or my best friend. He says that I should manipulate myself in order to get ahead and motivate me. I understand this and take it in. Then, the next set he asks me what do I do that is creative. I tell him write and he says that this is what keeps me sane and helps me through which he is correct about. He then tells me that if I continue and grow my craft it will be lucrative in the long run. That's exciting news considering I want to be a writer but don't think that I'm good enough. He then goes on to tell me that I should not doubt myself that I should believe in what I can do. This is definitely something that I needed to hear because I never think that I am good enough to do anything. He also tells me that there will be opportunities that come my way that I will think are good for me but they are not and that opportunities will arise in a couple of weeks that will be better. This all seems good and like the typical bs you would hear and then he goes on to say that in August there will be two people in my life a stubborn overbearing older woman and stubborn bossy male around my age who will tell me to do something and that I should not listen to them no matter or else my life will start to go badly. I already have an idea of who the people are. He also tells me that some karma is going to be coming around my way and it can be taken either way and that maybe it is good or it could be bad, he says that it will be a boring time. This is just the general things he tells me, then I start to ask him specific questions about my life. The first thing I ask is will I find the love of my life in the next year or two and of course the answer is no. He says that I need to be patient and wait but when I find him, it will hit me like a ton of bricks and I will just know that he is the one. That seems kewl but I need to find out some more information about my professional life. I ask him will I move to the West coast because I had been thinking about it and he tells me no. He says that if I had family out there then I would but that since I don't I most likely will not move to the West coast. It seems I'm stuck in New Orleans for a little bit. The last thing I ask him is if I am going to find a job? He tells me that a woman who is older and like a mother who is very stubborn and passionate will help me find a job either working with her or near her. I know of nobody like this so I think but maybe I do? He said that if I do not know her now I will in the near future. I am amazed at the results of my reading. This is exactly what I needed, some clean pieces of laundry in order to get me through the day. I find it weird that earlier today I posted a blog about how lost I am and how I needed some advice and then I get my tarot cards done and everything I need to hear is told to me later that night. God has a plan for me after all, I just have to trust and believe and be reminded every once in a while. Maybe soon I will have a whole new bag of laundry that has been cleansed for that is sometimes exactly what the soul needs to make it through the day.

Finding clean laundry

2008-06-25T17:44:00.003-05:00

I'm lost and now I'm trying to be found. I feel like when you have no clean clothes and you are searching to find just a few pieces of clothing that are clean just to make it out the door on time. I feel like all things in my life are falling apart. I can't seem to find the peace of mind that I am looking for or an apartment for that matter. It's just me wondering around searching for myself when I thought I had found myself such a long time ago. How do you constantly lose yourself when you know and feel like you have found yourself and your purpose? How can you be feel so alone but surrounded by so many people? This idea of being alone and wondering is heartbreaking but I think about and I feel like Jesus in a way. Not saying I am Jesus but just feel like him. I mean think about, how lonely do you think Jesus felt knowing all the information that he did and being able to do what he could do? I'm not saying I can do those same things but I mean he had to feel like he was wondering alone in the world. Maybe someone out there in the world who actually happens upon this blog can help me out and give me some good advice. I have been some advice on what my purpose is and what would make me happy and I believe I found it but it's actually no longer being afraid to do what it is that I want to do in order to find out if I good enough. Fear is the only thing that ever holds me back from doing what I want to do as well as what I need to do. How exactly does a person go about getting rid of fear and just being fearless? That's an answer that I've been searching for, what about you?

I've been laundry lost

2008-06-23T18:41:00.003-05:00

I've been away from you for way to long but now I'm back and ready to rid the world of all the dirty laundry that's out there. Time has been good and bad to me at the moment. I've been having good guy moments but when it comes to family and friends, not so much. They are the last thing in the world I want to be dealing with right now. I can't stand them at the moment for lots of random reasons. Sometimes it is necessary for laundry to come up missing when you know it's time to let it go. I feel that way right now about more than one thing in my life and I'm sure all of you out there feel the same or at least have felt that way. Awww, it's great to be back hosting this laundry party for all my favorite people out there. Time has passed that I have become a completely different person in the process. I've realized I like money alot and if you can give it to me I like you a lot more. Don't think I'm a gold digger, that is what I'm not. I'm just saying if you act like you want to take care of me, then I'm going to let you. I also have been contemplating a lot about cheating and affairs. I think that it is a very interesting subject and very controversial because of how we have been conditioned, well us Americans, have been conditioned to think that infidelity is bad but honestly what makes it bad? The thing that makes it bad is when people get attached and fall in love with the person they are cheating with. When you cheat it's not because you are actively searching for a new lover to be with but rather you want something different and new to experience, to try. I don't see the big deal now that I've been through some things and been reading up on the subject. I mean honestly, think about it, do you really think there is one person in this world that can satisfy all of you in every aspect physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually? I don't believe so and I'm sure that many of you are in relationships or have been in relationships where you feel that someone else can satisfy you better than your significant other can. I'll leave ya'll with that bit of laundry to sort through. Until the next laundry day.

Lost pieces of laundry

2008-04-09T00:17:00.002-05:00

I don't want to sound like a strawberry but it seems that men just love me and what can I say, I love men too. I've been in many situations that I wish would of turned out a little differently when it comes to men.For example, there was a guy I met through a friend, who I thought was quite attractive, and well lets just say that some other friends of mine thought he was quite attractive too. Me and this guy seemed to really hit it off, so one night we went out dancing with another one of my friends (this is one of my friends who liked him also) and when the night ended I wanted to spend a little more time with him, to get to know him better. I drop my friend off and proceed to go back to his place. We settle down on the bed and talk a little bit, then we decide to watch a movie, Snatch. The movie was way long but pretty good. He fell asleep but awoke when the credits started to role. We talked about the movie and what we loved doing and what we want to do when we graduate. Then some how we started kissing and it felt so good but I wanted to stop. We stopped but then I started it up again and we ended up doing a lot more than kissing. The next day I woke up and tell him bye and leave. I think you know it was a one night stand no big deal but I soon realize that I really have feelings for this person. Apparently, this person had feelings for me too but I did not find that out until it was too late. Some other friends of mine thought it was a good idea to try and sleep with this person too but he did not. He soon starts to think that I used him for sex because of my friends trying to sleep with him. I'm shocked, I actually really liked this guy but my friends being selfish and not respecting me and my relationship with this person ruined a potentially good thing. This happened my sophomore year of college and it is now my senior and I have yet to talk to this guy. It hurts a little because he is a really great guy that felt used and you know it actually surprised me. I couldn't believe a guy sometimes felt like a girl and felt used when it came to sex. It made me rethink how I viewed men and their quest for sex. Maybe you can have sex and make it work.

the third load of laundry

2008-04-06T22:41:00.003-05:00

So, I'm thinking that I'm in a good place right now until a guy walks by that has hurt me in my past, present, and future. His name escapes my lips and brings me back to a place that I thought I left years ago. We used to be close but then something changed; maybe it was my fault or maybe it was his. This boy and I had a special moment not once, not twice, not even three times. Every moment he was around made the moment special, he just had that ability to melt my heart with his stare and stop my breathe when he smiled. I once let this boy know how I feel and he did not dismiss my feelings like I thought he would. He instead said, "Let's see what happens. You know nothing is ever certain." He then gives me a wink and we leave it at that.
Days start to go by that we don't talk or see each other, then those days turn to weeks, months, years. I start dating someone else and I'm happy then all of a sudden----I see him and how amazing he looks. He melts me like time has not robbed us of our time together. Days go by that I see him and talk to him everyday and then there are days and weeks, I don't see him at all but phase me, it does not. I'm happy with my man, I really am. I've been in my relationship for about 2 years and then things start to get rocky. I'm itching to be free so I start going out with my boys and living my life. I run into him at the club and it's like nothing has changed between us. I can't help but want him and I'm hoping he feels the same. We talk and I tell him of my dilemma. He schools me on how if I'm not happy then it's not worth it to stay and that taking a "break" is not the way to go. I understand and I know what I have to do. The break up does not happen as soon as it should but I'm partying and going out like I am single anyway. So, I'm out one night and there he is yet again stealing my breathe away. We talk and interact as though we are the only two around and then he invites me to his place. Score!!! but wait I'm not a single woman but this is the moment I've been waiting for and I'm not about to let this pass.
We get back to his place and play a little Tiesto to set the mood. The bed is so inviting to our bodies that are calling out to each other. I want to get out of my clothes, so I ask for a shirt and some boxers. I'm not afraid to show him exactly what I'm looking to do and what I want to happen. We both get comfortable in the bed and just talk and look at the time on the ceiling. Time starts to pass and it gets later and later. I let him know that I'm surprised that he even had feelings for me. He lets me know that he has been in love with me for years but was just afraid to tell me. I can't believe my ears. Could we finally experience the life we were supposed to have together? I let him know before anything goes any further that I'm not a single woman. He understands but I can tell he is hurt by the news. I, however, don't let that stop our night from ending the way I want it to. We turn and stare into each others eyes with such passion. I have not felt such passion in a long time, then the magic moment happens, we kiss and it is just like I imagined, heaven. We get lost in the moment and in the passion. It starts to get heavy, but I can't. I stop him even though I don't want the night to end. I leave him with sadness in my eyes and heart but he leaves me with a kiss I can't forget. This nights makes me realize, my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years must end.
My relationship ends and I think," Yes, I can finally be with the person that fuels my flame." I however ended up very disappointed. After my breakup, I talk to my lighter fluid and he seems different towards me. He does not talk as much and seems cold towards me. I don't understand so i let him know again that I am interested in pursuing a relationship and he does not turn me down, he agrees. I'm thinking, "Perfect." How wrong again I was. Right after he tells me this, he starts talking and flirting with another girl in front of me. I could not believe my eyes. How could he break my heart like this? I immediately leave and cry all the way home. The next day he finds out how heartbroken I am and decides to send me an apology. He explains how he can not give me what I want and need. This does not make sense. How can you tell me that you love me but don't want to pursue anything with me then I think that I've been used. He just said that to sleep with me, which hurts even more. Our situation to this day has not changed and it is still devastating. How can you lie to my face and lead me on to only deny me in the end? You never explained your feelings and why you can not give me what I want? Help me to understand.
Now, if this situation had actually happened what would you do? Can you explain his behaviour and is this the end of something that had the potential to be great? Situations like this arise way too often and the majority of the time the girl is the one who is lost and confused. In some situations though the guy is the one lost and confused. How do you deal with this? Do you think there is a way to get the other person to finally come clean and talk or is it really a lost cause and just lost pieces of laundry?

The second load of laundry

2008-04-05T01:02:00.002-05:00

So here is the second load of laundry coming at you. So, at the moment I'm having a little bit of a falling out with a very good friend of mine who I consider one of my best friends. This occurred because I feel that I have always been there for him when he has been going through so much and yet he could not pick up the phone to see how I am doing and why I'm upset. I want to be friends with somebody who actually cares about our friendship and whether or not we talk. I know that the majority of you would want the same thing. I feel like this person has been taking our friendship for granted and I would just like for this person to acknowledge the fact that he needs to be better to his friends. In the past, he has had many falling outs with his friends and he has been devastated by it and just couldn't live without them but when it comes to me, the person that he has been friends with for 4 years, he is nowhere to be found. It's kind of sad for me and it really hurts my feelings but what can I do. I don't feel like I'm wrong in the situation and I just want him to be man enough to tell me what's up, you know? Well, there is nothing more I can say about the situation. Just know, that sometimes you have to cut people from your life who are not helping you improve yourself and who doesn't appreciate you. The only thing you can do is pray and know that God will take care of you in the end.

More Random Laundry

2008-04-03T17:29:00.002-05:00

So more random laundry coming your way. This is not dirty laundry just clean fun clothes to look upon. I was having the most random dream today and it was about Lil Mama the rapper and she came up with this ridiculous song about doing her hair. Now, what makes this dream really weird is the fact that I had one similar to this one the day before. The only thing that makes the dream really weird is the fact that when there is dialogue, it is fantastic. It flows and make sense even if it is a song about doing hair. The thing that sucks is that when I'm awake though, I never write or think of anything that creative. It really is quite annoying. So, the question that I pose is how does one make a dream a reality or at least the dialogue a reality? Well, the closest thing that I found is lucid dreaming, which may or may not help my situation. Lucid dreaming is basically when a person is aware that they are dreaming and can alter their dreams however they want. Usually when a person uses lucid dreaming they use it to solve problems that they have in their life that they don't know how to handle in real life. If you find this idea to be interesting then there are books on lucid dreaming and there is a website that gives a little introduction on the subject. The site is http://self-improvement.readigg.com/description/12518.html. If you need more information than that then check out http://www.lucidity.com/ or just google lucid dreaming.

Random laundry

2008-04-03T02:10:00.000-05:00

So I am very much upset at a piece of laundry that continues to dirty my thoughts and feelings. I feel as though I'm trying to make an effort to change my life and he finds the need to question how I must change my life. I've really been hanging out with myself a lot more lately and all of a sudden because I realize I want to hang out with myself, he feels like I'm being mean. Like I said before, the biggest mistake I ever made was having a guy take care of me. Never do it or if you do make sure you have some money stockpiled somewhere so you can leave him (that is if you want to). I'm no longer with this guy but he still pays for my bills and rent and whatnot. I know he's a great guy but I'm just trying to work on myself and my thought is that if you love me and care about me then you will understand my wanting to be alone and not around people all the time. He seems to think that I'm only nice to him when I want money but that's not true. I've always been nice and always want to know how he is doing but he never does the same yet he sees me as being mean? I know I'm only giving my side of the story and I hate bias stories so I'm just going to leave it at that. Take it or leave it and wear it or not but just keep in mind that independence is the best quality that anyone could have. Never ever depend on anyone cause in the end all you have is yourself.

The first load of laundry

2008-04-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

When it comes to dirty laundry, I've got a lot, maybe even more than people realize. I hide my deeds better than most and very rarely do they ever come out. Sometimes, I want them too but it's better for the parties involved that this laundry stays in the bag. My deeds aren't too devious but I guess you could say some are. You be the judge of that. I just tell the stories that people want to hear. All of these situations are not about me and don't alway involve me. Sometimes the loads will flow and sometimes they won't but you know laundry never does. I hope you don't get too caught up in the wash cycle like all the others before because my cycle moves faster than most.